Mommy and Daddy first discovered you were on your way on your older brother, Jake’s, seventh birthday. We had been dreaming of this moment and were filled with excitement to welcome you into our family. From the moment we learned about you, we loved you deeply and began planning for our new family of five. You were the final piece we were missing, the joy that would complete our lives. The day we saw you on the ultrasound, your tiny heart thumping vigorously, was incredibly special. Witnessing your well-being filled me with reassurance and anticipation for the day I would finally hold you in my arms.
One of the most unforgettable days was when we shared the news with your three older siblings that we were expecting a baby! Jake and Lily jumped up and down, squealing with excitement. Lily even shed tears of joy! Mia was thrilled too, though she seemed a bit puzzled at first. Since that day, Lily has thanked God and us every single day for you. Not a day goes by without her expressing gratitude for your existence. All three of them adored kissing my belly and chatting with you, which was such a touching experience. Their love for you eased any anxieties your Daddy and I had—everything just felt right!
Listening to your precious heartbeat with the Doppler every evening became a cherished family ritual. We would gather around, listening to that sound and sharing our hopes and dreams for you. We were enveloped in a love for you that I can hardly describe, even before we had seen your sweet face. However, the night we couldn’t find your heartbeat was terrifying; I spent the entire night in prayer, worried for your safety.
The following day, when I saw your perfect little form on the ultrasound screen but learned you were without the heartbeat necessary for life, my heart shattered. That day was the darkest of my life, dear Emma. It was the moment I realized I would never cradle you, kiss your soft head, or inhale your sweet baby scent. I wouldn’t get to nurse you, play with you, or witness you take your first steps and speak your first words. I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing your siblings hold you, watch you start school, or grow into the person you were meant to be. In that moment, I understood that all those beautiful experiences would never come to pass for you, this little life I had already loved so immensely. Your Daddy and I were heartbroken, and we had the difficult task of sharing this devastating news with your siblings. Their pain was palpable, and I could feel their sorrow through their cries and questions. Your Daddy did an incredible job explaining that you would always be with us. Despite our profound sadness, we found some comfort in knowing you were our special angel in Heaven.
Mother’s Day fell just two days after we received the heartbreaking news. It was a bittersweet day for me, as it would be the last day I ever carried you. Even though we never met, you will forever be my beloved Emma. My love for you is equal to that of the three children I have here with me. I cherish the family photos we took on my final day carrying you, as they are the most tangible reminders I have of you. One of the images holds a particularly dear place in my heart, embedded in a necklace engraved with your name.
The days that followed were a blur. Losing you far too soon was utterly devastating. Your service was challenging yet a beautiful way to honor your brief life inside of me. I hope you cherished the letters and pictures your siblings sent to Heaven after your service. Each chose special balloons to send along with their messages and a rose to place on your grave.
Your siblings miss you dearly and speak about you almost every day. Lily tells Mia during storms that you are washing your hands in Heaven. They pray that God is watching over you and that they will meet you one day. They will always hold you in their hearts, and through this experience, they have taught me so much about resilience and love.
The weeks that followed were among the darkest and saddest I have endured. All I wanted was to bring you back, to hold you, and to kiss you. Initially, I struggled to find any silver lining in what had happened to our family. It was hard to focus on caring for your siblings or continuing with life. I felt overwhelmed by grief, having lost you, my sweet baby. Many don’t speak about the loss of their little ones, but I want you to know that I do. We want the world to acknowledge that you are a part of us.
Over time, I began to recognize some good amidst the pain. I saw the kindness in our community, in the way your grandmother took on all my responsibilities without a hint of weariness. I witnessed the unwavering support of friends like Sarah, who was there for me every day since we learned about your loss, and Laura, who captured beautiful photographs for us to treasure. The care and compassion of my doctor and the hospital staff on that heart-wrenching day also brought me comfort.
So many people reached out to us—through calls, texts, cards, and flowers—showing us that your life mattered. One friend sent a “basket of sunshine” the day after we learned about your passing, while another gifted me a lovely necklace. Many gestures came from mothers who have experienced similar losses, underscoring that your life, no matter how brief, had significance for us all.
While losing you has forever changed me, I am also thankful for many lessons learned. I am grateful for the precious time I had to carry and love you. I am thankful for the joy and excitement I saw in your siblings’ eyes as they learned about you. Your loss brought your Daddy and me closer than ever, revealing the strength of our family bond. I have witnessed the remarkable resilience of your siblings, and I continue to feel their love for the little sister they never got to meet. Losing you has taught me to appreciate the small joys in life, to let go of the trivial, and to lean on others for support during dark times. It has reinforced my faith and urged me to trust in God, even when I struggle to understand the “why.” Most importantly, it has highlighted the profound love of a mother and the bond she shares with her children from the very beginning. These are the gifts you have given me, and I will always carry them in my heart. I love you immensely, Emma Frances, and I look forward to the day I can hold you in my arms again.
With all my love,
Mommy
All images courtesy of yourlovelyphotos.com
This article was originally published on Aug. 24, 2015.
Additional Resources
If you’re interested in more insights about home insemination, be sure to check out our other blog post about the Cryobaby At Home Insemination Kit for a comprehensive guide. Additionally, if you are facing challenges related to endometriosis and infertility, this resource can provide valuable information. For more resources on pregnancy and home insemination, visit Progyny’s blog.
Summary: This letter is a heartfelt tribute to a lost child, Emma. The mother reflects on the joy of discovering her pregnancy, the love her family had for her unborn daughter, and the profound grief experienced after her loss. Through her journey of sorrow, she finds solace in the support of her family and community, cherishes the memories of her child, and learns valuable lessons about love, resilience, and faith.