“I apologize. It’s the Asperger’s.” These were the words my nearly seven-year-old daughter, Lily, chose to express her regret after a significant outburst in her classroom, where she had harshly dismissed her best friend.
In my role as a concerned mother to a child with Asperger’s, I attempted to guide her toward a more heartfelt apology, suggesting that her words sounded more like an excuse than a genuine expression of remorse. I wanted her to connect with her empathy, which, despite its inconsistencies, I knew she possessed.
“Why not tell her you’re sorry and that you didn’t mean it? That she truly is your friend and you won’t yell at her again?” I suggested.
“It’s not an excuse,” she replied matter-of-factly. “It’s the truth. I’m saying what I’m going to say.”
Despite my attempts to reshape her understanding of an apology, she boarded the bus that morning still anxious, fixating on the need for ME to pen an apology for her. She loathed writing, finding it physically exhausting, and the pressure was overwhelming. She decided she would avoid her friend that day, unable to face her out of fear.
As I reflected on my shortcomings as a mother, feeling the weight of failure for not helping her see things from a different perspective, I realized I was perhaps trying too hard. In my quest to teach her about “Theory of Mind”—the idea that others have different thoughts and feelings—I inadvertently diminished her own struggles.
This misunderstanding is common. Although she functions at a high level, many people perceive her as having more control than she genuinely does, overlooking her sensory overload, social challenges, and motor skill difficulties that don’t qualify her for therapy. Their judgment can be harsh, leading them to label her as spoiled or undisciplined.
In moments of distress, she sometimes resembles a contemporary Veruca Salt, demanding an additional stuffed animal to cope with overwhelming sensations and social cues. To her, an object of obsession becomes a clear solution amidst the chaos in her mind. While it may not make sense to us, her reality is often a jumble of confusion.
Later that day, after her incident at school, she called me from the principal’s office. “I’m having a hard day,” she said. “She said she couldn’t come to my birthday party, and I told her she wasn’t my friend anymore, but I was just being sarcastic.”
“Sweetheart, that’s not sarcasm,” I said, feeling defeated. Sarcasm had always been a tricky concept for her, and this misunderstanding led her to misinterpret the situation entirely. I made a note to clarify sarcasm for her in the future and encouraged her to apologize.
I was quick to point out her mistakes: throwing tantrums in school, yelling at friends, misusing the term “sarcasm.” However, deep down, I understood her disappointment and confusion when her friend declined her invitation due to prior commitments. Overwhelmed by emotion, she reacted without processing the situation logically. Her feelings were too intense, and she exploded.
While I empathize with the hurt feelings she caused her friend and the challenges she presents to adults around her, I also recognize that she is still a child navigating an intricate world. Yes, she can be charming, intelligent, and lovely, yet she also experiences moments of social upheaval that may seem inappropriate, often while wearing a sparkly dress.
To outsiders, her behavior may appear unusual. But I understand—it’s the Asperger’s.
Fortunately, her teacher later informed me that Lily did apologize to her friend that day. She found the strength to try, and I couldn’t be prouder of her for seeking her own path to make amends.
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In summary, parenting a child with Asperger’s comes with its unique challenges and triumphs. While there are moments of frustration and confusion, it’s essential to acknowledge their feelings and experiences as valid. Each step they take towards understanding and managing their emotions is a victory worth celebrating.