Dear Sons,
My love for you is immeasurable—more than I cherish my ice cream. If I’m foolish enough to indulge in something delicious while you’re around, I suppose it’s only fair that I share, right?
I like to think I’m a decent mother. Sure, I may have fibbed to your father about the cat toppling his prized beer stein from Bavaria. And yes, I assisted you in cleaning the Lego battlefield you constructed in the living room, which you claimed was “too hard” to tidy up when I wanted to vacuum.
I’m also guilty of stretching “five more minutes” into at least ten—often fifteen—so you can wrap up your essential activities like finishing an episode of your favorite show. That nightly ritual of yours, where you bust out your dance moves to “Hot Dog Hot Dog Hot Diggity Dog,” is something I truly admire.
Let’s Talk About Bathroom Habits
Now, I know that physics lessons are still years away, but let’s take a moment to discuss your bathroom habits. It’s important to understand a few simple facts about aiming:
- Your anatomy is significantly smaller than the toilet bowl’s diameter.
- Positioning yourself directly in front of the toilet drastically reduces the likelihood of unintended spray.
Ah, the joys of being a mom to boys! I never have to navigate the drama of hairstyles, and I delight in hearing “Mommy, you’re pretty” even on days when I make no effort. I cherish the cuddles and the laughter, and you both manage to make getting dirty seem like a grand adventure.
However, cleaning up pee? Not so much. The “boy bathroom smell” has become all too familiar—moms of boys, you get it. That peculiar odor that no amount of Clorox wipes can eliminate, and even the finest candles can only mask temporarily.
A timeless mystery: how does liquid from such a small source miss the relatively large toilet bowl? After observing you both, I now see how those little puddles appear on the floor with alarming frequency. And let’s be real, I know your brother is always the culprit, so I’m a bit silly for asking who’s responsible or who forgot to flush.
Behaviors That Hinder Your Aim
I’ve noticed several behaviors that hinder your aim—if aiming is even a goal for you, which I hope it is. Humor me and pretend to care:
- Turning around mid-stream to see what’s happening on TV or to check on your brother is a recipe for disaster. Keep your focus where it belongs.
- Playing video games while peeing? I appreciate your multitasking, but this is a hard “no.”
- The bathroom is not a two-man operation. You don’t need a wingman until you fully grasp bar etiquette. Too many distractions can lead to unfortunate outcomes.
- Peeing in the dark without turning on the light isn’t wise. I know you’re brave, but do your mom a favor and turn on the lights so you can see what you’re doing.
- Attempting to create designs with your stream? Save that creativity for your crayons and keep your aim focused downrange.
I envision you both becoming confident, successful men who will marry wonderful women and shower me with extravagant gifts as a thank you for raising such fine individuals. I don’t want to face judgment at the dinner table every holiday because I didn’t ensure you mastered aiming for the toilet at least 86% of the time.
So, take this advice to heart, my dear sons, and always remember to flush!
Love,
Mom