Updated: May 14, 2020 | Originally Published: Aug. 6, 2015
Navigating the world of child therapy is no easy feat. While it’s challenging to witness the hurdles that children face, the true difficulty often strikes a personal chord.
As parents, we are acutely aware of our vulnerabilities and open to critique. Friends, family, and even well-meaning partners often point out our perceived shortcomings. “Shouldn’t you be handling that differently?” “Is that really the best approach?” “Does he really need another toy?” These comments can feel like arrows aimed directly at my confidence as a parent and a professional. The weight of such scrutiny is immense—it’s overwhelming.
While perfection is unattainable, there’s an expectation tied to our roles. Just as a chef is expected to serve delicious meals, a child therapist is presumed to cultivate well-adjusted children. As a new mother and child therapist, I found myself inundated by society’s definitions of “good parenting,” and my mind became cluttered. Before I even welcomed my first child, a checklist had formed in my head:
- Give birth naturally
- Consider an epidural
- Breastfeed or not
- Co-sleep or adhere to a sleep schedule
- Navigate self-weaning or scheduled weaning
As my child grew, the rules—and the anxiety—expanded:
- Avoid gluten, wheat, and dairy
- Steer clear of plastic and electronic toys
- Regulate screen time
- Enforce bedtime routines
- Early or late potty training?
- Praise or avoid praise?
- Time-outs or time-ins?
The list of parenting styles blossomed, too:
- Attachment parenting
- Free-range parenting
- Permissive parenting
- Helicopter parenting
What type of parent am I? What philosophy do I subscribe to? This felt more daunting than my graduate studies. Could I rewind and start over?
In my role as a therapist, I often listen to parents who are their own harshest critics. They express their worries:
- “I know sharing a bed is frowned upon.”
- “He watches too much TV.”
- “I shouldn’t praise him excessively.”
- “I should really engage with her more.”
- “I need to be more flexible.”
- “I should establish a routine.”
At one point, I too succumbed to the “I must be a terrible mother” mindset, burdened by guilt. I crafted a mental list of parenting faux pas to accompany my morning coffee:
- “I tell my daughter she’s beautiful—am I teaching her to value looks?”
- “I say ‘good job’ too often—am I being disingenuous?”
- “My kids have tablets—am I ruining their minds?”
- “I sometimes lose my temper—what a fraud I must be!”
However, as time passed, my perspective shifted. I began to question this fragmented, contradictory set of parenting rules. By the time my third child arrived, I realized I was feeling guilty about complimenting my children. Reflecting on my own childhood, I remembered being crammed into the back of a station wagon without seat belts, exploring neighborhoods unaccompanied by adults, and eating microwave dinners in front of the TV—often preparing them myself. I survived, and in many ways, I’m doing better than that now. My children bathe more frequently than I did, and I whip up dinner several times a week—sometimes even pancakes for breakfast!
I refrain from judging parents who come to me for guidance. I strive to understand their unique styles and offer support based on their beliefs. Shouldn’t I extend that same compassion to myself? Why has parenting turned into such a judgmental arena? With everything else we juggle—stretch marks, sleepless nights, and the challenge of raising little ones—I’m ready to raise the metaphorical white flag.
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Summary
Parenting can be overwhelming, especially for therapists who feel the weight of expectations and judgment from others. The constant barrage of advice and opinions can lead to self-doubt, but it’s crucial to embrace individuality in parenting styles. Acceptance and understanding—both for oneself and for others—can alleviate the pressures of parenting.