After hitting the big 4-0, I started to notice something was amiss. I felt bloated, light-headed, irritable, and achy. My body seemed to be transitioning in ways I wasn’t prepared for, and overnight I developed crow’s feet, dry and frizzy hair, and a few extra pounds—despite not altering my diet at all. At first, I thought I might be harboring a rare disease, but reality hit harder: I was entering perimenopause.
Perimenopause marks the transition before menopause and can last for years (joy!). During this phase, hormone levels fluctuate wildly, resembling a roller coaster ride going backwards. Given my aversion to facing the wrong way on any ride, it’s safe to say I’m not enjoying this journey.
Here’s how perimenopause is wreaking havoc on my life:
- My Period Feels Like a Nightmare
For years, my menstrual cycle was predictable and manageable. Now, my period could come any time—six weeks from now or every two weeks when I’m least prepared (and wearing white pants). I’m left guessing its duration, which has ranged from two days to an astonishing twelve. Cramps and heavy bleeding? Check. Last month, I experienced what can only be described as a scene from a horror movie. I long for the uneventful periods of my 20s. - Sleep Is a Distant Memory
I keep telling myself that tonight will be the night I get proper rest, but it never happens. My sleep resembles that of a newborn—waking up every couple of hours due to hunger, the need to pee, or just sheer boredom. I toss and turn while praying for some peace, and my caffeine intake has skyrocketed, only to find that my body now processes it like molasses. If you see me dancing wildly in the grocery store, it’s just the coffee kicking in because I’m exhausted from sleepless nights. - Unexpected Weight Gain
Let’s clear this up: I am not pregnant, just unbelievably bloated. Elastic waistbands, once my enemy, have become my best friend. I haven’t changed my eating habits; in fact, I might be healthier than ever. Yet, my metabolism seems to have vanished. A single Cheeto now seems capable of adding inches to my waistline. - Strange Hair Growth
I used to roll my eyes at older women with wiry chin hairs, but now I understand. It’s alarming how quickly those pesky hairs can sprout. I’ve found myself morphing into a cross between a Looney Tunes character and a walrus, and it’s not a good look. - Incontinence Issues
Sneezing, laughing, or even jumping brings on unexpected leakage. My body has become like an old house – charming on the surface but with a plumbing system that is far from reliable. - Mood Swings Galore
It seems PMS has decided to give me a grand farewell. My irritability has reached new heights. The tiniest inconveniences set me off: a trip to IKEA, running out of tortilla chips, or even the sound of my clock ticking. I often fantasize about working in a haunted house just to let off steam. - My Skin Is Changing Drastically
I feel like a walking raisin. My skin is dry and wrinkled, and I recently learned that breast tissue may shrink during this time. Is that my left breast deflating? Great. Age spots have also started showing up on my hands, and rumor has it that they can appear in less desirable places too—just what I wanted! - Memory Lapses
I can’t recall the simplest of things. This brain fog leaves me feeling as if my mind is overloaded and malfunctioning. I find myself standing in rooms, baffled about how I got there or what I intended to do. Every time I unlock my phone, I forget my purpose. - Tears Flow Freely
Just last week, I found myself crying over a high school marching band and a puppet show. Anything remotely sentimental sends me into an emotional spiral. I could probably sob during a grocery store commercial. - Temperature Extremes
My internal thermometer has gone haywire. I find myself wearing cardigans in sweltering heat and bathing suits during snowfalls. Nothing feels normal anymore.
Navigating perimenopause is like wandering through a maze of confusion and unexpected changes, leaving many women unsure of what to expect. Now that I know I’m not losing my mind, I can laugh off some of the chaos—when I’m not crying, that is. Like puberty, perimenopause is a challenging life phase, and once it’s over, I plan to celebrate—though I might just end up going to bed instead.
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Summary
Perimenopause is a challenging phase for many women, marked by unpredictable periods, sleep disturbances, weight gain, mood swings, and various physical changes. While it can feel overwhelming, understanding the processes involved can help create a sense of normalcy and even humor amid the chaos.