Spending time waiting in the carpool lane gives a woman ample opportunity to reflect. She can ponder dinner options, consider if her leggings have overstayed their welcome, or worry about the state of her lawn encroaching on the neighbors’. Unfortunately, it also leads to considering darker thoughts, such as what if something catastrophic happened, leaving her husband in charge of raising their three children alone.
While I trust my husband would manage somehow—our daughters might develop into the fiercest little football players around—it’s the myriad of everyday details that keep me up at night. Who will enlighten them on the nuances of lip liner application? Or how to maximize the lifespan of a pair of leggings? And let’s not forget about household maintenance. Who will remember to swap out the air fresheners or know which overgrown weeds to just ignore? It’s terrifying to think they might be unaware of my daily contributions to their lives.
I must admit that my husband often overlooks the extent of my daily efforts. Dust bunnies don’t just vanish on their own, and meals don’t magically materialize in the slow cooker. To assist him—and perhaps other well-meaning but clueless partners—I’ve drafted a list of ten crucial requests for him, should I unexpectedly leave this world. It may not hold up in court, but I trust my wishes will be honored, mainly by my Mother-In-Law, who truly understands the intricacies of living with him.
Dear Mark,
- Ensure Regular Meals: Please make a genuine effort to get our children to eat three meals a day. Use any means necessary—bribes, threats, whatever it takes. Our kids can be quite crafty; I once found an entire sausage hidden in Ella’s boot! Remember, packets of mustard and a can of soda do not count.
- Dental Hygiene is Key: Make brushing their teeth a non-negotiable task. Twice a day, WITH TOOTHPASTE. Seriously, check the toothbrushes and their breath. I refuse to let them start college with dentures.
- Regular Baths: Establish a bathing routine of at least every other day. Soap is not optional. If necessary, take them to the pool and use a bar of soap on them there.
- Hair Maintenance: Hair must be brushed regularly. I once came back from a week at my grandparents’ with such a tangled mess that my mom had to cut out a rat’s nest. Check for lice and any woodland creatures that may have taken residence.
- Believe Them When They Say They Need to Go: When one of the kids announces they need to use the bathroom, take them seriously.
- Toilet Paper Replacement: Remember to pull the spindle towards you and squeeze the ends together when changing the toilet paper roll.
- Screen Time Limits: Try to cut back on TV. While educational shows are preferred, I know your feelings about kids’ programming. Just don’t let them binge-watch those ghost hunting shows you enjoy so much, or you might find them sleeping on your floor for years to come.
- Naps Take Precedence: Prioritize nap time above all else—meetings, appointments, even natural disasters. Do your best to ensure they can “rest their eyes” during a tornado if need be. Remember, The Exorcist was inspired by a story of a girl who didn’t get enough sleep.
- Timely Bill Payments: Pay the bills on time! When we first bought our house, I learned about your views on bills during our credit history review. Your thoughts back then about utilities being “the man sticking it to us” were enlightening. Please don’t let my excellent credit suffer due to late payments.
- My Final Wishes: We’ve discussed my funeral arrangements before, and I sincerely hope your comment about dumping my body in the river was a joke. I expect a lovely slideshow with music, my initials on napkins, and if possible, a celebrity guest appearance. Jon Hamm would be a delightful addition.
Lastly, as you navigate life after me, don’t shy away from meeting someone new. Just know that I’ll be watching. Yes, even from the closet.
Love,
Me
If you found this humorous, check out our other articles at Make a Mom for more on family and parenting. You can also learn more about essential nutrients for pregnancy at Intracervical Insemination, and find excellent resources for fertility at Science Daily.
Summary
In a lighthearted yet poignant manner, Jane Thompson outlines ten crucial requests for her husband, Mark, should she pass away unexpectedly. These requests range from ensuring their children eat regularly and maintain hygiene to managing household bills and honoring her final wishes for a memorable farewell. The article underscores the often-overlooked contributions of a homemaker while humorously addressing the realities of parenting and partnership.