Labor and delivery nurses are a constant presence, coming and going at all hours. They check your vitals, provide support, and even have a surprising way of pushing down on your abdomen after delivery (a fact I wish I had known beforehand, as it can lead to an avalanche of unexpected surprises). Once the little one arrives, these nurses quickly transition into educators, guiding you through the essentials of newborn care: checking temperatures, giving baths, and mastering various holds and swaddling techniques. Those first few hours feel like an intense crash course at Newborn Son University, as you’re wheeled out of the hospital with your tiny blue bundle in tow.
But let’s be real—having given birth to four boys, I can assure you that learning to give a bath was the least of my concerns. There’s a whole array of critical skills that hospitals should teach to moms of boys. Here’s a proposed curriculum to prepare you for the wild ride ahead:
1. The Art of Assembly and Disassembly
This isn’t just a Lego lesson. If you’re expecting your first boy, skip the Lamaze class and go buy a complex Lego set. Dump those pieces on the floor, toss some aside, and scatter others around your home for fun. Then, assemble that emergency vehicle and helicopter just like the instructions say. And don’t forget to take it apart and reassemble it later—sans directions. A few hours with mechanical engineers would’ve been helpful for me to learn how to fix everything from a cable box to a toy. Trust me; they’ll all need fixing at some point.
2. Basic Haircuts for Boys
It took me two boys to figure out that electric clippers have a numbering system for a reason. It would have been beneficial if a local cosmetology school had come by to give a quick lesson on how to avoid transforming your son into a boot-camp recruit. After all, four boys mean a lot of haircuts, and I’ve saved a fortune by learning to do it myself.
3. Stitches 101
I’ve stitched quilts and clothes, so why not learn how to stitch up minor injuries? It would be great if hospitals provided new moms with a kit of supplies and a quick lesson on when stitches are necessary versus when Dermabond will suffice. This could save countless hours sitting in an ER waiting room.
4. Toilet Repair Skills
Forget just knowing how to plunge; learn to remove the toilet entirely to retrieve whatever treasures your little ones have flushed. After a disastrous plumbing bill due to a toy train, it became clear that a hands-on lesson from the hospital’s maintenance team would have been invaluable.
5. Understanding Boy Vocabulary
Before having boys, I had no idea there were so many euphemisms for their anatomy. A list of all the terms boys use would have been a welcome addition to my son’s discharge papers. Knowing the language can certainly help you navigate conversations with them.
6. Extra Skills for the Future
Once you’ve tackled the basics, you’ll need to master:
- Tying a tie while driving (because you’re late for church).
- Putting out fires—not in the kitchen but in the backyard or wherever else boys get adventurous.
- Tetris-style grocery shopping to fit everything into one cart.
- Repairing buttons and zippers, as your boys will inevitably break them as they grow.
- Playing poker, because it’s in their DNA to gamble.
Finally, don’t forget to enjoy your role as the queen of the castle, because soon enough, teenage girlfriends will come along to challenge your reign.
For further insights on navigating parenthood, don’t miss out on our discussion on navigating prenatal vitamins, and for those exploring home insemination options, check out our post about the Cryobaby Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit Combo. For reliable information on pregnancy, the CDC offers excellent resources.
In summary, while the hospital offers essential newborn care lessons, new moms of boys could benefit from a broader curriculum that prepares them for the unique challenges ahead.