- You shall not operate the vehicle if your judgment is compromised in any manner. At this rate, you might not get to drive until you’re 30.
- Your hands must remain on the steering wheel at all times. This means no texting, snacking, or engaging in any romantic activities. I’m fully aware of your multitasking abilities.
- Passengers must keep their hands off the steering wheel. Attempting to assist can only lead to disaster. Remember, this isn’t a movie where everything ends well.
- You shall refrain from consuming Caramel Frappuccinos in the car. Last week, my steering wheel was stickier than a floor at a busy cinema. And yes, this rule stands even if you forgot to bring a grande skim latte for your mother.
- After picking up takeout from fast-food places, you must air out the car and use the Febreze provided in the trunk. This applies equally to meals from Chipotle or after a grueling game of basketball in the sweltering heat. Just so you know, Axe body spray does not do the trick.
- Do not leave the radio cranked to 11, as it will scare the life out of your mother when she starts the vehicle. If you do, she’ll retaliate by blasting NPR in the house. On your second offense, she might surprise you with some Snoop Dogg, and by the third, watch out—your mother might attempt to dance to Beyoncé!
- Dispose of your chewing gum properly; do not leave it in the cup holder. The same goes for straw wrappers, sunflower seed shells, and used tissues. If you neglect this, I may instruct the cats to leave hairballs on your pillow.
- Do not treat my trunk as a laundry basket. If I discover wet towels in the backseat, you might find your father’s dirty socks in your beach bag.
- You must not return the car on empty. It’s just like leaving an empty Cheez-It box in the pantry, except running out of fuel could leave you stranded on the side of I-495. You have a gas card; use it wisely and not just for beef jerky at the convenience store.
- The Golden Rule: Treat the Prius as if it were your own because it just might be yours someday. If this family gets a new vehicle, I have my eyes on it.
Keep in mind, if you want the keys to this kingdom, they are firmly in my pocket. My will shall be done.
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Summary:
This article humorously outlines the essential rules for using a family car, emphasizing responsible driving, cleanliness, and mutual respect. From avoiding distractions while driving to keeping the car tidy and respecting the fuel levels, these commandments provide a lighthearted yet authoritative guide for young drivers.