Dear Emma,
Today, I fell short as a mom. The morning arrived too soon after a restless night, and I found myself dragging out of bed an hour earlier than usual to get dressed. When I stepped into your room, you greeted me with that adorable, untamed hair and a crooked smile. “I up!” you exclaimed, stretching your arms towards me. “I play wif toys!”
I didn’t smile back—not because I don’t adore you, but because I was desperate for more sleep. As the day unfolded, you decided to decorate the couch with stickers, and I muttered under my breath. You wanted to play tag and accidentally kicked me in the chest. I reacted with a shout: “BE NICE TO MOM!” In hindsight, I realize I wasn’t just upset with you; I was venting my frustration at the world. But how could you understand that? You couldn’t, and for that, I apologize.
When I went upstairs for a moment of quiet, and you declared, “NO MAM GO PODDY!” I snapped back with a “Shut up!” Not my proudest moment as a parent.
I regret crying when you devoured my lunch—the meal I had intended for both of us to share and to soothe my feelings. It seems my craving for chicken nuggets was shared by you. I also regret putting you in time out when your plate decided to dance on the table. And I’m sorry I didn’t kiss you goodnight before your nap, opting instead to escape to the guest room for a moment of silence.
I remember my own mother having days like this, where she seemed on the brink of something overwhelming, and we tiptoed around her, convinced it was our fault. I want you to know, sweet girl, that it’s never your fault.
What I’m feeling is a mix of heartache for things beyond your control. I promise I will be better tomorrow—after a refreshing Diet Coke, a thrilling crime show, and a bit of rest. Being a parent is a complex journey, and sometimes it means putting aside my own messy feelings. This can make me a better person, but it’s also incredibly challenging when I’m exhausted. You don’t need to understand this now, but one day, when you do, I hope you can see my efforts, even when they feel like a jumble.
I hear you stirring from your nap, singing your heart out to Taylor Swift, shouting “Neber, eber, EBER!” followed by something about a rubber ducky. It’s time for me to join you. We’re going to have fruit snacks, dive into some books, and cuddle while returning those stickers to the couch.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I will strive to do better.
With all my love,
Your Mom