It’s been over three decades since my parents separated when I was just 11 years old. Now, as I navigate parenthood myself with an 11-year-old, a 9-year-old, and a 7-year-old, I’ve come to understand that marriage is challenging, and divorce presents its own set of difficulties. What I’ve observed in my own children is that they don’t adhere to a predetermined notion of what childhood should resemble. They’re not comparing their experiences to some idealized vision of the past; they simply adapt to their reality.
When my parents informed me of their decision to take a break, I didn’t perceive my home as broken—that was an adult perspective. Children are remarkably resilient and tend to adjust to changes without the weighty baggage of regret that often plagues adults. When my father moved into his own apartment, it didn’t feel like a fracture; it was merely a shift.
1. Misbehavior Often Attributed to Divorce
One of the first realizations I came to after my parents’ separation was that behavior which might typically be chalked up to typical childhood mischief was often blamed on the divorce. “Oh, Jordan is acting out again. It must be the separation.” In reality, I had simply developed a flair for expressing myself, even if it included a few choice words.
2. A Heavy Burden of Guilt
The second lesson revolves around guilt. While every parent grapples with guilt, those going through a divorce seem to carry an even heavier load. This guilt is an adult’s struggle, as we second-guess our choices and attempt to compensate for our decisions with overzealous regret. My sister and I indulged in a plethora of “guilt treats”—guilt ice cream, guilt outings—until we grew weary of the cycle. Kids, unlike adults, can’t maintain that level of indulgence forever.
3. Family Dynamics Go Beyond Marriage
The third insight is that family is defined by bonds rather than marital status. Whether you call your parents by the traditional names or something less conventional, family remains family—filled with quirks, laughter, and sometimes embarrassment. We experienced a blend of traditions, occasional clashes, and many unique moments, such as extra birthday cards and shifted celebrations. While I did ponder what life might have been like had my parents stayed together, I also recognized the new opportunities that arose specifically because of their individual paths.
4. Love is Not Defined by Last Names
The fourth lesson is one I believe children of all backgrounds learn: the depth of love or self-worth is not contingent on shared last names or living arrangements. The essence of family lies in the connections we forge when we let go of expectations and guilt. My stepdad and I took time to build our relationship, even if it started off on shaky ground. We had what he called “breakfast discussions” to navigate my life’s direction, and while I cried often during those talks, they helped me find my footing.
Kids can be whimsical, changing their minds about what they want for a class party from homemade cookies to ostentatiously decorated cupcakes. They’re figuring life out, responding to emotions without the burden of adult regrets. I recall my 3-year-old’s resilience when she broke her leg; she quickly adapted and moved forward without looking back, except to check that her older sister was keeping up.
While I can’t erase the challenges that come with divorce, I aim to lessen its sting because, ultimately, we all emerge stronger.
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In summary, children of divorce learn valuable lessons about resilience, family dynamics, and the nature of love. They adapt to their circumstances, moving forward without the weight of adult worries.