On the morning of my 39th birthday, I found myself reflecting on what truly matters to me. Two things stood out: my hair and my breasts. Naturally, there were other moments of joy to cherish, like when Oliver nestled his tiny face into my hair at the crack of dawn, or when he and Max orchestrated a delightful surprise involving breakfast, cake, and gifts.
However, it was my hair and breasts that occupied my thoughts. In the days leading up to my birthday, I received disheartening news about friends facing serious health challenges—one had to shave her head, and another was faced with the prospect of losing her breasts. This made me grapple with how to express my gratitude without feeling selfish—after all, being grateful for my health seemed to cast a shadow on their struggles. I felt a mix of caution and suspicion as if my good fortune was a ticking time bomb. What if the next challenge awaited me around the corner? Life is unpredictable, and it often throws curveballs when least expected.
The Struggles of Adulthood
At 39, I still find myself perplexed by many aspects of life. I struggle with eyeliner, wonder why some guys don’t follow through, and often feel like I’m fumbling through marriage and parenting. I’m still searching for clarity in my career and had hoped to possess more wisdom by now. Instead, I’ve come to realize that the only certainty is life’s unpredictability—the myriad ways it can unfold and shift in an instant. A routine doctor’s visit, an unexpected lump, a driver having a bad day, or a careless mistake—none of it lies within my control.
This unpredictability is especially unsettling when it affects people I care about. The challenges they face remind me of our shared humanity, how we build our own tribes over time, some close and some distant. I never imagined my circle would be so diverse, filled with joy, sorrow, and everyday silliness. I now witness their struggles—like shaved heads and broken families—through the lens of social media. Years ago, without this technology, I would have remained blissfully unaware of their pain and triumphs. But now, I cannot unsee it, and it weighs heavily on my heart.
Finding Comfort in Uncertainty
Even at this age, I often feel unprepared for the responsibilities of adulthood. When tragedy strikes my friends, I struggle to find the right words to comfort them. I long to support them, yet I can only bear witness to their suffering, tasting its bitterness and unfairness. I wish it didn’t have to be this way. I still cling to the naive belief that these things won’t happen to me, despite knowing they can. My heart aches for those I care about, while I feel paralyzed by the fear of what lies ahead.
As I appreciated my hair and breasts that morning, I couldn’t help but recognize how little we can truly ask from the universe—essentially, to remain whole, healthy, and close to the innocence of life. Beyond that, aspirations about careers or wealth feel trivial. So here I am, at 39, still learning, still uncertain, with my hair and breasts intact, and not much else guaranteed.
Conclusion
In summary, turning 39 has brought a mixture of gratitude and reflection. I acknowledge my health while grappling with the harsh realities faced by those around me. Life’s unpredictability continues to be a central theme, reminding me of the importance of connection and support in our shared journey.