The Absurdities of Modern Motherhood

At home insemination

My mother has expressed her disbelief on numerous occasions about the bizarre practices of today’s mothers. She believes we overanalyze our children’s feelings, shower them with excessive affection, and wrap them in a fortress of hand sanitizer and sunscreen. Her observations lead me to ponder: Are we modern moms overdoing it? Have we transformed into overzealous “mommy monsters”? Here are 30 reasons my mother thinks we’ve gone off the rails:

1. Video baby monitors. She claims these gadgets are robbing us of sleep. We’re glued to the glowing screens, obsessing over every baby whimper and roll onto their stomach (heaven forbid) while worrying about SIDS. If the baby cries, we won’t need a fancy monitor to tell us that; we’ll hear it loud and clear.
2. The endless activities I schedule for my kids, as if they’d perish from boredom for even a moment.
3. The strict dietary requirements—organic, grass-fed, dye-free foods only. My mother agrees with me about the milk situation since many of us were hitting puberty way too early, but she probably loses her mind when she sees my grocery list filled with organic this and gluten-free that.
4. All clothing must be 100% cotton. Apparently, sensitive skin is a growing trend.
5. Lotions and body washes have to be all-natural and fragrance-free, because, of course, sensitive skin.
6. Laundry detergent must be biodegradable and devoid of dyes, fragrances, and chemicals.
7. The preschool application process rivals that of college! There are waiting lists, interviews, and even rejections.
8. My kids actually ask for kale smoothies. No joke.
9. The car seat contraptions? They’re so complicated it feels like I need a PhD just to strap my child in.
10. Getting out of the house with my baby gear takes an eternity, thanks to the sheer volume of stuff we’re told is essential for a happy baby.
11. The cost of private preschool is as high as a mortgage payment.
12. My kids have never even tasted a hot dog. Choking hazard, you know.
13. Balloons? Not at birthday parties. Choking hazard.
14. My children refer to their anatomy in euphemisms like “Woo Hoo.”
15. They don’t know what a period is. When I change my tampon in a public restroom, I’ll say, “Mommy has a boo-boo in her woo-hoo.” That’s enough education for now.
16. My kids sometimes dance in ways that could be described as provocative. Thank you, MTV.
17. We examine our kids’ poop to determine fiber intake, and some parents even share pictures (not me, though).
18. My kids haven’t quite mastered setting the table.
19. Laundry folding? Still a work in progress.
20. Making their beds? Also in the pipeline.
21. We don’t own a Bible.
22. Birth plans and an endless number of sonograms have become the norm.
23. Gender reveal parties—what happened to just waiting for the surprise?
24. My kids have become accustomed to ordering from Starbucks, asking for specialized drinks like “a kid’s hot chocolate with a splash of whipped cream and a sprinkle of cocoa powder, soy, please!”
25. I rely on wine to cope with the chaos of motherhood, and my kids have recognized when it’s “Mommy’s Wine Time.”
26. They can perform yoga poses like downward dog.
27. My car is filled with an array of children’s music CDs.
28. There’s such a thing as too much screen time, and experts never stop weighing in on it.
29. Hand sanitizer is a constant presence in our lives—applied a million times a day.
30. I scrutinize my kids every moment, so much so that I write about them on this blog and contribute to other publications regarding motherhood. (Eye-roll.)

Why can’t we just enjoy the simple things like balloons, cake, and ice cream? Oh, right—balloons are choking hazards, and cake and ice cream are likely packed with artificial ingredients that could pose health risks. Sigh.

This article was originally published on June 1, 2015.

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In summary, the modern approach to motherhood often feels overwhelmingly complicated, with an excess of rules, gadgets, and trends that can make parenting feel more like a high-stakes game than a joyful experience. Balancing safety with simplicity seems increasingly challenging in today’s world.