Dear Creator of Stick Figure Family Car Decals,
At any random stoplight, I often find myself bemused by the insights I gain about the individual ahead of me. Thanks to your questionable invention, I can deduce that the driver is a summer-goer to Martha’s Vineyard, adores her Golden Retriever, has a top-performing child at Maple Leaf Academy, and—just to add a cherry on top—married a Yale graduate. How fortunate for her!
Your stickers have allowed me to gather even more specifics: Her name is Olivia, her husband’s name is Benjamin, their child is named Lucas, and the dog is named Max. Olivia is a culinary enthusiast, Lucas is a budding soccer star, and Benjamin seems to be perpetually tied to his laptop bag. Oh, and look—there’s a new addition on the way, and it’s a girl!
I urge you to cease the proliferation of these ridiculous stickers. We all know the placement rules (typically bottom left of the rear window), but it’s time to end this juvenile trend. It has dragged on long enough, and you’re merely exploiting exhausted parents who have long since lost their rational thought.
This trend is not only silly but potentially hazardous. Yes, hazardous. Imagine the implications: “Greetings, stranger in the vehicle behind me! My name is Sarah, a single mom who enjoys sipping cocktails while my daughter Lily plays with her toys. Please feel free to follow us home for a little chat—don’t worry about our security, we only have a pet hamster named Peanut!”
This is reckless behavior. But I understand—there’s a saturated market out there, and you’ve carved out your niche; congratulations! I hope you’ve made a fortune and are enjoying the fruits of your labor on a sun-soaked beach somewhere. It would only add insult to injury to find out that this is merely a side project and that all proceeds are going to a cat rescue in Nebraska.
A car should evoke a sense of adulthood. After marriage and the arrival of multiple children, the last thing anyone wants is to surrender to the stigma of the minivan. Do you believe women enjoy being labeled by their reproductive status through stick figures? We know what’s inside: a tired driver in yoga pants, likely unkempt and overwhelmed, while children’s toys and half-eaten snacks clutter the backseat. It’s a chaotic mobile disaster. Why would anyone want to advertise that?
Speaking of chaotic trends, I’m curious if you have any ties to other automotive oddities like Truck Nutz or Car Lashes? The minds behind those creations seem to fit your vibe! Also, I would like to know your gender. If you’re male, is this a joke on women? If you’re female, are you out of your mind?
Whoever you may be, I want you to know that while I might envy your financial success, I absolutely detest your product. You’ve done a disservice to our society, ranking right alongside unlimited soda refills and leggings.
In conclusion, I suggest you take your Stick Figure decals and find a more suitable place for them.
Sincerely,
Jessica Lane