Recently, I stumbled upon a blog entry by an expectant mother candidly expressing her frustrations about pregnancy. I chuckled and related to her misery, recalling my own experiences. However, as I delved into the comments, my amusement faded. I encountered responses from mothers grieving losses or those whose infants had arrived far too early, spending extensive time in the NICU. My heart ached for these women, but I also felt a surge of anger. Some commenters chastised the author for her complaints, branding her as selfish and insensitive. The Self-Righteous Mom Brigade had arrived.
This pattern is all too familiar: whenever a parent shares their journey, dissenting voices emerge to criticize. When did motherhood become a battleground of judgment? The same five conflicts resurface repeatedly, and honestly, no progress is made. It’s like a never-ending civil war, filled with aggrieved individuals and no resolution in sight.
Conflict #1: The Pregnancy Debate
On day seven past my due date with my second child, I shared a frustrated post on social media, only to be met with a reply reminding me how fortunate I was to be pregnant. Initially, I felt ashamed for my complaints, as though I didn’t have a right to express my feelings. But then I got angry. Just because someone else is struggling with infertility doesn’t negate my experience. Pain is pain, so let me own mine while you own yours. Now, can I please have those pickles?
Conflict #2: The Birth Experience
“My 196-hour labor with little Alex resulted in a natural birth in a perfectly warmed tub, surrounded by family to catch him and enjoy my placenta.”
“I had to undergo an emergency c-section; I wanted a natural birth and now feel like I failed.”
Regardless of how you brought your baby into the world, the crucial point is: YOU HAVE A BABY! Who cares how your neighbor delivered hers? Whether you choose to indulge in your placenta or process your feelings in counseling, your experience is uniquely yours. Leave your judgments behind.
Conflict #3: The Breastfeeding Dispute
Let’s simply allow each person to do what they need without an army of judgmental mommies waiting to pounce with their opinions and stories.
Conflict #4: The Sleep Wars
“My baby was sleeping through the night by eight weeks! What do you mean yours is still waking up at nine months? Clearly, you didn’t start a schedule early enough.”
“We co-sleep with all three of our kids; what about you? I hope your baby doesn’t end up with attachment issues.”
Why are we even arguing about this? What’s the reward for convincing an attachment parent that they’re wrong? I genuinely don’t care who shares a bed with whom, as long as I get some sleep.
Conflict #5: The Other Contentious Issues
Food allergies, vaccinations, screen time, sports, language use, homeschooling, body image post-baby—if there’s a differing opinion, brace yourself for a fierce discussion. When the mindset of “I’m right, and you have no say” prevails in motherhood, we’re left with shame, suffering, competition, and unnecessary judgment.
It’s time to lay down our swords and embrace our differences. Each mother has her own story, whether it’s uplifting, heartbreaking, or somewhere in between. Our words can either uplift or tear down, and these so-called “Mommy Wars” squander our collective power as women. The next time you feel annoyed by someone else’s narrative, consider this: will your words serve as weapons or tools? Let her have her story, even if it doesn’t resonate with you.
I’ve participated in a few of these “wars” myself, but they ultimately leave me feeling unwell. I’m weary of prioritizing being right over kindness. Will you join me in stepping away from the conflict?
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Summary:
The ongoing conflicts among mothers, including pregnancy, birth experiences, breastfeeding, sleep routines, and various parenting choices, create unnecessary tension and competition. Instead of engaging in these battles, mothers should celebrate their unique stories and support one another.