You might be preoccupied with issues like climate change, melting glaciers, and the various cosmic dangers that threaten our existence, but let’s not overlook the fact that Australia is experiencing a literal downpour of spiders. This alarming phenomenon suggests it’s time to find a new home in the universe—preferably one like the one depicted in Interstellar, or perhaps a gentler place inhabited by the lovable beings from WALL-E.
To summarize: spiders are raining from the sky. As an adult with a wonderful partner, two children, an inexplicable affinity for a financial planner, hotel loyalty cards, cleaning supplies, and a Honda, I must admit that the thought of arachnids descending from above sends me into a panic. I’d rather hide in a kangaroo pouch or take refuge under a kookaburra than face this raining menace.
My two greatest fears are heights and spiders. Oh, and maybe whales too, just a little, because they’re enormous. People often claim, “Whales are harmless filter feeders that serenade each other with beautiful songs and occasionally save starships.” But I can’t help but wonder what Big Whale is really hiding. Are they secretly consuming dolphins, cows, or the ghosts of old pirates? You never can be too sure about whales.
Spiders? I absolutely loathe them. I’ve carefully avoided the movie Arachnophobia for over 25 years, along with most films starring John Goodman, just to be on the safe side. Even while reading my son’s books and coming across trivia like “The average human swallows 3,500 spiders per year while sleeping,” I don’t find it charming. Instead, it highlights humanity’s shortcomings. We can create spray-on butter and modern tech marvels, yet we can’t prevent insects from crawling into our mouths at night. If any scientists are reading this, please redirect your efforts to solving this issue before I mistakenly devour a tarantula in my sleep.
Now, take a look at this picture from Australia. Of course, it’s happening in Australia—often likened to the Florida of the southern hemisphere, but with giant scorpions rather than drive-through pharmacies. That white stuff you see? Not snow. It’s spider webs! It resembles a buffet for spiders, composed entirely of trapped insects and airborne debris, making it the healthiest option in the region.
To complicate matters, I now live with an 11-year-old who advocates for insect rights, shaking his head disapprovingly when I squash spiders in the house. He insists that I should treat them like VIPs, escorting them out the door with more reverence than even the Dalai Lama would muster. (And yes, I hope someone got that reference.)
Scientists suggest that these spiders may be using a migration method called ballooning, wherein they ascend trees and release silk to ride the wind. Frankly, I don’t care if they’re fleeing from biker gangs in Waco, Texas—this is just plain terrifying, and I sincerely hope Australia has flamethrowers at the ready.
True story: I once dreamed of a spider crawling on my neck, woke up to find a recently deceased spider on my hand. Just a reminder: if you have a dream about a spider on your neck, check immediately.
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In summary, the bizarre sight of spiders raining down in Australia serves as a reminder of the strange and sometimes terrifying realities of our world, while also raising questions about our ability to address even the most basic of issues.