You gaze lovingly at your beautiful newborn, counting tiny fingers and toes, marveling at their perfection. It’s a good thing you’re smitten because, let’s be honest, newborns can be some of the most revolting little creatures on the planet. We’re biologically wired to find their big heads and soft cries adorable, preventing us from running for the hills. Still, despite their undeniable cuteness, they come with a host of gross factors.
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Meconium
In the early days of life, your little one will produce meconium, often referred to as “butt tar” by parents. This dark greenish-black substance is a nightmare to clean up, requiring an endless supply of wipes. The smell is something else entirely, and it stains worse than red clay. Even the most devoted naturalists often opt for disposable diapers during this phase. Technically, meconium is made up of the amniotic fluid and dead skin your baby ingested in utero—delightful, right? -
Milia
Those tiny, acne-like bumps on your baby’s face aren’t acne at all. They’re milia, and while they can interfere with your baby’s cuteness, you’ll find yourself itching to pop just one. But resist the urge; they’re not zits, so popping them will do no good. -
Chicken Limbs
We often expect perfect, plump rolls on newborns thanks to Hollywood. However, many babies emerge looking like little pink frogs, especially those on the skinny side. Particularly, white babies can appear quite reddish with that undercooked chicken look we’re supposed to adore. Don’t worry, this is perfectly normal. -
Diaper Explosions
Newborns make some of the most unique pooping sounds, unlike anything you’ve heard before. Their digestive systems work quickly, leading to sticky and voluminous messes that you’ll be cleaning up—often with little to no warning. Get ready, new parent; those hormones better have prepared your stomach for this. -
Spit-Up
Newborns can regurgitate like pros, sometimes producing only a modest amount of “human vomit” on your shoulder, and other times launching a full-on projectile. And don’t be fooled into thinking that just because it’s from a baby, it won’t stink. -
Umbilical Cord Stump
Eventually, every parent scrutinizes their baby’s umbilical cord stump and panics, fearing some form of infection due to its crusty appearance. But rest assured, it’s just a normal part of your baby’s anatomy. The thought of it being a direct line into your child’s belly might give you the creeps, but it’s entirely benign until it falls off. Just don’t think about saving it when it does—that’s seriously gross. -
Lanugo
Known as lanugo, some newborns arrive with this fine hair, giving them the appearance of having been birthed from a wolfman. While it will eventually fall out, the sight can be quite startling at first. -
Soft Spot
For the first year, your baby’s head contains soft spots between the unfused skull bones, leaving their brain exposed. This can be unsettling as you carry around your little one, aware that their brain is vulnerable to all sorts of mishaps. -
Tiny Nails
Those minuscule fingernails can seem adorable initially, but don’t be fooled. Your baby will use them to scratch their own face, meaning you’ll need to trim them at some point. Good luck doing that without feeling squeamish. -
Common Newborn Ailments
From cradle cap to clogged tear ducts, newborns often deal with various annoyances. These minor issues can be bothersome but are not dangerous. Some parents swear by using breastmilk for treatment, which may be gross or comforting, depending on your perspective.
What do you think is the grossest part of having a newborn?
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In summary, while newborns can be adorable bundles of joy, they also come with a variety of unpleasant realities that every new parent should be prepared for. Embrace the chaos and remember, it’s all part of the miracle of life—grossness included.