One of my closest friends, Emma, is about to embark on the journey of motherhood as she prepares to welcome her first child in January. Emma has always been a force of nature—an adventurous spirit who has traveled to countless countries, earned a graduate degree abroad, and works at one of the top ten universities in the U.S. She’s incredibly witty and intelligent, and my kids might even pick her over me sometimes. We share a deep connection.
As she gets ready to become a mom, there are so many things I want to share with her. I want her to know that it’s completely normal to feel a whirlwind of emotions. What should she expect? Well, expect chaos, expect the unexpected, expect moments of joy, and yes, expect hardship. The specifics of this experience are hers to navigate.
In our recent text conversation, she shared the storm of feelings she is grappling with—excitement, fear, love, and even sadness. I responded with a heavy heart, saying, “Even when you hold your baby for the first time, those feelings will come in waves. You might long for your old life, but not really. It’s a tough transition that often goes unrecognized. Please talk to me about the darker thoughts that cross your mind.”
What saddens me is the thought that she might feel isolated in her experience, and the anger stems from the same fear—she might not have anyone to confide in.
It frustrates me how we engage with new mothers, often skirting around the reality of their struggles. Instead of diving into the truth, we sit across from them, cooing over the baby and discussing strollers or cute outfits, while the real changes in the mother go unnoticed.
Let’s be real: the baby is fine. We can all see that. But what about the mother? Look at her—the one who has transformed, now with a body that feels foreign and eyes that are weary from sleepless nights. She may not fully understand what being a mother means yet, and it’s crucial to acknowledge her feelings. If you haven’t walked in her shoes, then listen, ask, and show her love.
Perhaps she isn’t struggling, and that’s okay. But if she is, she needs to hear that others have felt the same and that it’s perfectly okay to feel that way—welcome to the club of motherhood.
I’ve been there. I’ve had moments of regret, thoughts of escape, and feelings of resentment towards motherhood. I’ve even felt trapped as my younger brother, Tom, embarked on his medical career, while I was home with my child. At that moment, I felt paralyzed, questioning who I was. I used to write my thoughts down whenever I could, but time was always a luxury I didn’t have.
When I confided in my husband, he struggled to understand, and I was left feeling more isolated. It felt like I was the only one experiencing these conflicting emotions. All around me, I saw joy and bliss, while I felt lost in a sea of guilt and rage, intertwined with love for my child.
The darkness I felt was mine alone, and I assumed I was the only one harboring such thoughts. Conversations with friends revolved around baby clothes and parenting plans, but never about the shadows lurking in our minds.
I refuse to accept that silence any longer. I urge you to speak about the dark moments—the times when you felt overwhelmed or scared. Share your hidden feelings and talk to the women around you. Talk to Emma. Talk to me.
In those moments of vulnerability, we can share our burdens, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll discover that there is light ahead.
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Summary
This piece reflects on the emotional rollercoaster new mothers experience. It urges support and genuine conversation about the darker sides of motherhood, emphasizing that these feelings are common and should not be hidden away. The author draws on personal experiences to highlight the importance of opening up and connecting with other women in the same situation, offering resources for those interested in home insemination.