When Ava Thompson first embraced motherhood, she eagerly sought out every parenting tip available, even serving as a parenting specialist for various media outlets. By the time her third child arrived, however, she realized the importance of stepping back and prioritizing her well-being, adhering to the wise words of her resilient mother: “Give them everything they want, and you’ll lose yourself.” In this excerpt from her memoir, Child, Please: How Mama’s Old-School Lessons Helped Me Check Myself Before I Wrecked Myself, Ava addresses the often sensitive topic of race and parenting, challenging the stereotypes surrounding both black and white parents.
I’m not here to sugarcoat what I’m about to say, and I fully acknowledge that it may offend some. The truth is, stereotypes stem from underlying racist beliefs. While mainstream culture perpetuates certain views about black families, we too have our own perceptions. One stereotype that I’ve encountered throughout my life—and one that resonated deeply with me only after becoming a mom—is this: White parents tend to be pushovers.
It’s liberating to voice this sentiment. Generally speaking, many in the black community share this viewpoint. We observe white children seemingly running wild, with parents responding with mere disapproval, saying something like, “Now, sweetie…” This belief is so ingrained that when two black individuals—who might not know each other—see a white toddler throwing a tantrum, they instinctively exchange knowing glances, perhaps even a laugh. The same reaction arises when we overhear a white teenager dismissing their parent with a rude remark.
Before anyone gets upset, I want to clarify that I share this out of affection. If we want insight into the misconceptions white individuals hold about black people, we could easily turn on the news. But many white folks lack a means to grasp our perspectives. If you’ve tried tuning into certain channels, you may have been misled; not all black families mirror the wild lifestyles depicted on shows focused on hip-hop culture.
Research indicates that black and white parents often have different expectations and goals in raising their children. Black parents frequently emphasize obedience and respect for authority as vital indicators of a well-raised child. This explains why, in many cases, you might see a black child being corrected sharply in public. In contrast, white parents often prioritize traits like confidence and independence when defining a “good kid.”
In the households I know, children are generally not encouraged to flaunt their confidence. Yes, embrace your black pride outside; however, within the home, children are taught to maintain humility. This is a cultural norm. While no black mother would explicitly state that too much self-assurance is undesirable, this principle is woven into everyday interactions. As children grow and begin to assert their individuality, a good parent recognizes the fine line between healthy self-esteem and overstepping boundaries. My mother often reminded me to not “smell myself” too much—meaning, don’t get too big for my britches.
We’ve all seen the classic public service announcements warning children to stay safe. Yet, these messages typically focus on protecting white children, while black children receive a different narrative. The message is clear: white kids are deemed worthy of protection, while black children face a harsher reality.
Black parents love their children just as much, but the historical context shapes our perceptions. We don’t view our kids as fragile but rather as resilient individuals who need to be prepared for the world. Many of us would prefer to instill discipline and resilience in our children rather than risk them being judged harshly by authority figures.
In my upbringing, my mother seldom spoke about the past—a reflection of the burdens she carried. When I inquired about civil rights history, she’d simply say, “I’ve never been to South Africa,” emphasizing the disconnect between historical events and our personal experiences.
This exploration of parenting dynamics sheds light on the intricate ways race influences our approaches to raising children. If you’re interested in deepening your understanding of family planning and fertility, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination. Additionally, for more insights on social pressures, visit this authority on the subject.
In summary, parenting styles among black and white mothers often diverge significantly, shaped by cultural expectations and historical contexts. While black parents may prioritize obedience and resilience, white parents often emphasize autonomy and confidence. Understanding these differences can foster greater empathy and awareness in conversations surrounding race and parenting.