Walking through those trendy health food stores, I’m overwhelmed by the scent of patchouli, artisanal soaps infused with cilantro, and the distinct aroma of the overpriced paper used for receipts. It’s enough to knock out even the most stubborn cold. Yet, these stores are the epicenter of diet fads, offering endless advice about what to consume, why I eat what I do, and even how I might be perceived for indulging in bacon. Yes, bacon is delightful, but let’s not confuse it with a fictional pig like Wilbur. Please, let me enjoy my bacon in peace.
But alas, my attempts to explain that knives can be dangerous too resulted in me being shown the door. Before I left, though, I pocketed their brochures and tips, determined to experiment with these diets at home with my own family. Here’s what I discovered while navigating a variety of dietary trends:
- Clean Eating: If “clean eating” means snacking on whatever my children leave behind at the dinner table, then I’ve been doing it for ages. I bet many of you can relate.
- Juice Fast: When your little one insists on only drinking sugary pouches, it’s like having a tiny version of Gandhi—except he’s sugar-fueled and throws tantrums over the sky being purple.
- Gluten-Free: When dinner is prepared without leaving my couch, we call that “gluten-free.” “Sure, sweetheart, you can have microwave popcorn and a can of spam for dinner. I’m right here—so it counts!”
- Plant-Based: While I devour cheesy scrambled eggs and crispy bacon, I just pretend it’s all quinoa and kale. If my kids won’t eat a steak because it’s red, there’s no way they’re touching a beet—it’s too reminiscent of Lady Macbeth.
- 21-Day Fix: This one relates to cooking dinner for three weeks straight without anyone taking a bite. We’ve renamed it the “Pizza Hut Fix”—and yes, that’s gluten-free too! I simply sit back and let the pizza come to me.
- Paleolithic Diet: This is when my kids use toy dinosaurs to scoop up chicken nuggets while I sip wine from a T-Rex cup. I’m convinced this was Katy Perry’s inspiration for a hit song!
- Breatharian Diet: My children love this one because it means they don’t have to eat. After several hours of pleading for candy, they realize that meatloaf suddenly sounds very appealing compared to the idea of starvation.
This article was originally published on May 8, 2015.
In summary, navigating the world of diets has been a humorous journey of trial and error, revealing that sometimes the best “diet” involves a bit of creativity and humor when it comes to feeding a family. For those looking into home insemination options, you can explore more at Cryobaby At Home Insemination Kit. If you’re interested in breastfeeding essentials, check out their insights at Breastfeeding Essentials: Navigating Baby-Led Nursing and Hunger Signals. Additionally, for those considering intrauterine insemination, this resource is invaluable.