I find it hard to fathom how anyone could genuinely love being pregnant. Whether they’re exaggerating, clueless, or channeling Gwyneth Paltrow, I just can’t buy it. Mother Nature must have equipped us with some incredible amnesia-inducing hormone, or else the human race would be in serious trouble. With just a month left until I meet my little one, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to survive without the option of a relaxing drink. So, if you encounter someone in the late stages of pregnancy, consider their struggles. They could probably use a donut right about now.
1. My Breasts Have Made It Abundantly Clear
The average woman gains about three pounds per breast during this time, and let’s just say one has taken a bit more than the other. My only solution for a fitting bra is to fashion a makeshift creation from two others. If you see me leaning to one side, now you know why—gravity is relentless.
2. The Impending Strep B Test
Approaching 36 weeks, my midwife reminded me about the impending Strep B test. “Do you remember what that involves?” she asked. Let’s skip the fluff; I know you’re about to introduce a Q-tip to my backside. That’s a level of closeness that deserves some honesty!
3. Carrying High?
Everyone seems to think I’m carrying high. Meanwhile, I feel like one sneeze away from delivering. If this is considered high, I can’t even imagine how low would look—maybe with my pants sagging around my knees? Honestly, I can’t fathom how I could carry any lower without practically giving birth.
4. “You’re Almost There!”
Strangers keep telling me, “You’re almost there!” accompanied by enthusiastic fist pumps. Four weeks remaining equals 28 days. That’s 672 hours or 40,320 minutes. If you have any sense at all, you’ll turn and run from my face. Oh, and please order a pizza on your way out—don’t forget to tip!
5. Barefoot and Pregnant
The phrase “barefoot and pregnant” never made sense to me until now. My feet have ballooned into what I can only describe as personal flotation devices. Even flip-flops leave my skin so swollen around the straps that they’re nearly invisible. Anyone still wearing heels at this stage is either a robot or Gwyneth Paltrow, and trust me, I don’t trust either!
6. Wedding Rings on a Break
Speaking of swelling, my wedding rings are currently taking a break on my nightstand. I nearly had to cut them off my fingers! Add “liberating your sausage fingers from their white gold prison” to the growing list of uses for coconut oil.
7. The Sensitivity of a Pregnant Belly
Earlier in my pregnancy, a friendly belly rub was welcome, as it meant I looked pregnant instead of just doughy. Now, though? My skin is so stretched that even the area around my belly button has become super sensitive. Each touch sends me into a startled jump, resembling a constipated llama. It’s mostly on purpose because, honestly, just stop touching me!
8. Eating for Two?
If one more person tells me I’m eating for two, I swear I’m going to unleash my wrath. The next person who jokes about it while I’m reaching for a cupcake is in for it. Everything aches, but that cupcake—oh, it’s the one pleasure I have left. If you must comment on my eating habits, make sure it’s to hand me another cupcake, and do so while emphasizing how skinny I look!
At this stage, I’m more concerned about sitting on a toilet without needing to brace myself than anything else. No amount of brain-releasing hormones will erase the memory of my nipples growing to a size that could be spotted from space.
For those navigating their own pregnancy journey, there are resources like Medical News Today that provide excellent information. And if you’re interested in how to care for your little one, this guide offers great insights into infant massage. Plus, for those considering at-home insemination, check out this post for helpful tips!
In summary, the final month of pregnancy can be tough, filled with physical discomfort and emotional challenges. It’s a time of significant changes and adjustments, and a little understanding and kindness from others can go a long way.