Sometimes, I find myself mired in the depths of “why me?” thoughts.
Why did my marriage crumble? Statistically, it seemed unlikely. We were together for three years before getting engaged, and I didn’t tie the knot until I was 28. I had my first child at 32. Both of us were college-educated with thriving careers. All these factors typically indicate a lower risk of divorce. Yet, here I am—divorced.
The statistics say that around 50% of marriages end in divorce. However, within my social circle, I only know one other person who has been divorced. Meeting them was a result of our shared experiences in this lonely upper-middle-class divorce club.
So, my marriage ended—life happens. But then I spiral into the “why me?” thoughts about dealing with an ex who seems determined to make life difficult. I hear stories of ex-husbands who step up for their kids, helping with homework, attending events, and maintaining civil relationships with their former partners. Why is my ex so hostile? Why does he seem intent on causing me pain? Why did he drag me to court, forcing me to deplete my savings for basic support?
Yes, why me?
This leads to a cycle of self-blame. Being a victim doesn’t resonate with who I am. I question my choices: What mistakes did I make? Where did I go astray? What’s inherently wrong with me?
The truth is, we all have flaws. We’re human, and mistakes are part of life. There’s no magic remedy to erase our humanity—believe me, I’ve sought solutions through every avenue, from medication to meditation.
I’ve come to understand that what I truly need is radical self-love, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance. They say that if you desire something, you should extend it to others. So, when the “why me?” thoughts invade my mind, I consciously shift my focus to forgiving my ex-husband. It may sound odd, but I recognize that I need forgiveness too.
It goes beyond him. I reflect on the friendships I’ve lost during this divorce—people who only know fragments of the truth yet choose to blame me; friends whose religious beliefs have distanced them from me due to my choices; neighbors who have taken sides. I try to forgive them as well. After all, they, like me, are doing the best they can in their own understanding.
The lessons I’ve garnered from my divorce have been transformative, mostly in positive ways.
I’ve emerged as a better individual than I was during my marriage. I’m more patient, kinder, calmer, and stronger than I’ve ever been. When I focus on these improvements, I start to think, “Why not me?” I deserve this newfound strength and peace, which blossomed when I shed the armor I wore to survive the marriage. I’m fortunate to live a full life, surrounded by true supporters. If my ex could never be a champion for me, then I consider myself lucky to have him out of my daily life.
This shift in perspective is radical and requires daily practice. Whenever the “why me?” thoughts reappear, I consciously replace them with “why NOT me?” and remind myself of the blessings in my life. I truly am one of the luckiest individuals alive—for once.
I deserve happiness and a life filled with love. Having walked through the fire, I emerge with the old parts of me burned away, but only if I choose to embrace this radical change in perspective.
And so does he. And so do we all.
For those navigating similar challenges, it can be helpful to explore resources like this article on fertility boosters for additional support, or this guide on understanding early miscarriage for insights on personal health. For more information on pregnancy and home insemination, Kindbody offers excellent resources.
In summary, shifting from “why me?” to “why not me?” can help transform your outlook on life, leading to greater self-love and acceptance.