Let’s have a chat about our current sleeping arrangements. By “current,” I’m referring to this bed, which was originally just for your father and me but has now transformed into a family fortress housing two parents, two dogs, and three children. While we’re grateful that everyone has their own beds, somehow we still end up here, tangled together in a sleep-deprived mess. It’s time to discuss why this situation isn’t working.
I understand that being a mom means catering to your needs, but I’m a human being too, with my own needs — one of which is a good night’s sleep. Remember when you were just a few months old and began sleeping through the night? It was glorious! I felt like I was dancing in a field of flowers, and let’s be honest, my skin looked better while your dad didn’t have to spend a fortune on coffee. Those were happy days.
Now, however, our nights have shifted from sweet slumber to an endless cycle of interruptions. You’re cranky, I’m exhausted, and it feels like a scene from a never-ending nightmare.
Here’s a glimpse into what a typical night looks like in our household:
I’m using “you” to refer to all of you since you often act as a united front against sleep. I hope this breakdown helps you realize how absurd this is:
- We tuck you snugly into bed and say goodnight, only for you to emerge from your room a mere 7½ minutes later with something “urgent” to share. I get it — I understand that your sister made you feel icky or you can’t remember anything that rhymes with “lettuce,” but those aren’t valid reasons to leave your room. Remember the only reasons to come out: ONLY IF YOU NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM OR YOU’RE BLEEDING.
- After a brief moment of quiet, just when I’m settled on the couch with a glass of wine and absorbed in Olivia Pope’s drama, you call out again because you need to poop. Naturally, I have to drag myself from my cozy spot to help you.
- Back to your room you go, but soon after, you’re back asking why morning takes so long to arrive. We threaten to take away your beloved stuffed animals if you don’t stay put.
- After another stretch of time, here you are again, feeling lonely because your sibling has fallen asleep. One of us ends up lying in your bed, surrounded by a cacophony of toys, until you finally drift off.
- Just when I think I can finally get some kid-free sleep, the first of you appears in my room between midnight and 1 a.m., sleepy and adorable. I bring you into my bed, but while you’re comfortable, I’m not. Your head doesn’t belong on my pillow!
- WHACK! A kick to the face! Why are your feet in my face? This bed has designated areas, and you’re not following the rules!
- Somewhere around 3 to 4 a.m., the second child joins the mix, requiring me to reposition once again, all while trying to stay awake.
- And finally, just half an hour before my alarm goes off, the third child makes an entrance. There’s simply no room left, and yet here you are, elbowing and head-butting me.
You must see how utterly ridiculous this is, right? I can’t continue like this much longer. Let’s aim for just one night of decent sleep, okay? Please, give it a thought.
With love,
Mom
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Summary: This humorous letter from a mother addresses the chaotic sleeping situation in her household, where she and her partner are joined in bed by their three children and two dogs. The mother expresses her need for sleep and highlights the absurdity of their nightly routine, urging her children to reconsider their bedtime behavior.