Imagine waking up one day, knowing it’s the day you’re set to meet with your ex-husband for mediation. Except, he’s still technically your husband, which complicates things. You glance at the calendar, noting that it’s just three days shy of the 25th anniversary of your first kiss, a milestone you both cherished more than your wedding date. It’s also close to Hitler’s birthday, a dark joke you once shared about that day. Now, it feels like a bad omen.
After a year and a half of separation, your ex resides across the country, and you find yourself struggling to find a suitable term for him—“ex” will have to do. On the morning of mediation, you stand in front of your closet, feeling vulnerable and exposed. You can wear jeans to work, but they don’t seem appropriate for a meeting in a lawyer’s upscale office. The robe hanging on the bathroom door is tempting, but you decide against grabbing it. You need to make a choice and get dressed.
That robe was a birthday gift from him, one you requested, but it still stings to see it there—a reminder of what was. Grief hits you unexpectedly, much like the sorrow over your father’s premature death. Small things, like that robe, can trigger a wave of sadness. You wonder if it’s time to buy something new.
Still standing in front of your closet, you contemplate not just your outfit for the day but also the emotional armor you might need for the future. You catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, and a wave of self-doubt washes over you. Who would ever love that? The changes in your body after childbirth are evident, and the scars of life’s challenges seem more pronounced. Yet, you remind yourself that these are yours—imperfect but real.
You turn to examine your backside, which used to be your least favorite part. Surprisingly, it seems to have fared better than other areas of your body. As you reflect on your physical changes over the years, you remember feeling different in college when you had a softer figure. It brought a shift in how people treated you. You met your ex during that time, feeling both approachable and desirable. Those moments seem like a lifetime ago, and you realize your love for him faded long before the marriage officially ended.
After much deliberation, you settle on a sleeveless cream top for your mediation. It feels light yet appropriate for the lawyer’s office. You pair it with a blue corduroy skirt and a white cashmere cardigan gifted by your friend, Claire. The soft cashmere will remind you of her support during this difficult time.
However, the cream top has a back zipper, and try as you might, you can’t seem to zip it up on your own. Memories flood back of your ex helping you with this simple task, a reminder of the partnership that has unraveled. Frustrated but determined, you finally conquer the zipper just as a soulful song by Nina Simone plays in the background. In that moment of triumph, you realize that small victories matter.
As you prepare to head downtown for mediation, you remind yourself of your new mantra: self-love and self-care. You have been stripped down, but you are also ready to embrace a new beginning. The mediation itself feels like a minefield of unspoken words and unresolved feelings, yet the lawyer’s wit and empathy create a safe space.
You breathe deeply, feeling the weight of the day ahead. It’s not just about dividing possessions or debts; it’s about acknowledging the journey you’ve both been on. You remind yourself that this is a step toward healing.
With the right outfit and a new sense of resolve, you’re ready to face the challenges ahead—unarmed but resolute in your path forward.