Dear Boys,
Let’s talk about that appendage you often find on your mind or in your hands during your day. As a concerned parent, I feel it’s necessary to share some important information regarding your penis.
While I may not have firsthand experience, my journey in raising you has equipped me with valuable insights. After all, I’ve witnessed enough nudity around this house to rival any clothing-optional resort. So, for you and any other young boys out there, here are nine vital things to keep in mind about your penis.
- First and foremost, relax—your penis is not going anywhere. It will remain in your pants (assuming you’re wearing any), so there’s no need to clutch it while watching TV or fall asleep with it in your hand. It will be with you for life, so perhaps treat it a bit gentler.
- There’s an exception to that: a firm grip is encouraged when using the toilet. It’s a bit floppy, and without control, you may end up spraying like a broken hose.
- Please keep it in your pants. This advice will take on different meanings as you reach your teenage years, so remember it. There’s no need to rest it on your brother’s arm, dip it in your chocolate milk, or use it as a makeshift toy.
- While you might think stretching it like rubber is harmless, it can be quite uncomfortable to watch. Trust me, it’s not beneficial.
- If you ever decide to let go of it to grab something else, like a sandwich or your brother’s face, remember to wash your hands before touching anything else. It’s the considerate thing to do.
- It’s not a disaster if it’s pointing in the wrong direction or crammed in your underwear. No need for an exaggerated reaction.
- Although it’s convenient to pee anywhere, that doesn’t mean you should. Choose your location wisely.
- If you feel the urge to stretch, pull, or otherwise fidget with it, kindly do so in your room to spare us all from any awkwardness.
- I’ve seen it all before, so there’s no need to wave it around after your bath or make it dance like Elvis. This goes for your dad too—pass along that advice.
I hope this letter serves as a useful guide to proper behavior regarding your anatomy. Developing a sense of dignity around your body is important, and someday, you’ll thank me—if not directly, your future partner will.
With love,
Mom
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In summary, understanding your body and maintaining appropriate behavior around it is key as you grow.