Updated: Aug. 20, 2015
Originally Published: April 17, 2015
Every once in a while, you manage to swap your cozy yoga pants for something a bit more glamorous, all while planning an adult night out, free from the kids. Since these outings are few and far between, they turn into a full-blown expedition filled with ups and downs on the road to relaxation. Here are the seven stages you will encounter on your quest for an evening of carefree enjoyment.
- The Invitation: Whether it’s a text, a call, or an Evite, the moment you receive an invitation, your immediate thought is, “Absolutely! A thousand times yes!” However, as you eagerly reply, your little one decides this is the perfect moment to spit up on you—because they somehow know what you’re planning. Leaving without a babysitter is simply not an option.
- Finding a Sitter: With dreams of sipping a cool margarita, you embark on the challenging mission of securing a babysitter for your beloved little ones. You start with the grandparents, but they are all busy at the same disco event. Next, you reach out to local high school students. After exhausting all potential candidates, you even contemplate asking the pizza delivery guy from last week. After all, he handled the chaos fairly well. Maybe he can deliver a pizza too?
- The Acceptance: By the time you reach out to the event organizer to confirm your attendance, you’re just praying that her babysitter hasn’t canceled. You start to wonder if she really meant to include you, considering your life has become quite mundane lately. To prepare for stimulating conversation, you attempt to read some current bestsellers instead of focusing solely on diaper disasters, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and the best methods for removing stains from soccer jerseys.
- Wardrobe Dilemma: You quickly realize that your closet is filled with maternity clothes and workout gear you rarely use. A trip to Target becomes essential as you search for a shirt that cleverly downplays your not-so-toned belly while highlighting your assets. You finally find the perfect shirt, but your baby spits up on it in the fitting room. You buy it anyway, along with a bottle of OxiClean.
- House Preparation: On the day of your exciting night out, you dedicate yourself to cleaning your home from top to bottom. You want to avoid any judgment from the pizza guy about your living situation. While mopping the floor, you hurt your back, but you pour yourself a glass of wine and power through because your sanity depends on it, even if your body is not cooperating.
- Ready the Kids: You gather all the board games you despise, the junk food you try to avoid, and every episode of Spongebob Squarepants you can find. You tell yourself that if you’re not there to witness the potential chaos, it’s almost as if it didn’t happen. Tomorrow is a fresh start for healthy meals, but tonight is all about those salty margaritas.
- Prep Your Partner: Remind your significant other that he is more than capable of dressing himself. Also, gently suggest that if he plays his cards right, he might have the pleasure of undressing you later. Try to push any negative body image thoughts far from your mind, and jot down a reminder to hit the gym on Monday.
Finally, after a mad dash from your screaming children, you realize all this preparation has left you too worn out to engage in meaningful conversation. You and your partner opt for drive-thru tacos instead of a fancy dinner and park a few houses down to enjoy your food and a bottle of tequila in silence. When you finally return home around 10:30 PM, you discover that all the kids are still awake, and the pizza delivery person is comfortably napping in your recliner. Oh well, at least you don’t have to worry about driving him home.
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Summary: This article humorously outlines the various stages parents undergo while planning a rare night out without their children. From finding a babysitter to preparing for the evening, it captures the chaos and exhaustion involved in achieving a much-needed break.