I couldn’t consume the episodes quickly enough. It was as if they had slipped from my memory, but once they resurfaced, I found myself reciting lines at my computer screen with uncanny accuracy. Young viewers from my era were treated to performances by stars like Anthony Kiedis, Vince Vaughn, Jodie Foster, and Leif Garrett as they tackled difficult issues such as bullying, alcoholism, sexual harassment, and divorce. These actors delivered cringe-worthy dialogue while navigating absurd plot twists, creating a level of drama that could rival any soap opera.
Blind Sunday
To kick things off, “Blind Sunday” featured a teenager named Jeff who, in a bid to empathize with his blind girlfriend, spends an entire day blindfolded. Sure, Jeff, your intentions are noble, but seriously, do you have any idea how silly you look? Thankfully, she’s oblivious; otherwise, the episode would end with her pushing you into oncoming traffic.
My Mom’s Having a Baby
Next up was “My Mom’s Having a Baby,” where a curious ten-year-old seeks to understand how babies are made. I vividly recall my own experience with this topic when my darling daughter—then eight—asked the same question. I was nine months pregnant with her little brother and, of course, spun a whimsical tale about swallowing a bean that sprouted into a baby. The reality? Well, let’s just say I had a few too many drinks at a bar with Daddy that night. Miraculously, Gavin is here today.
Where Do Teenagers Come From?
Following this was “Where Do Teenagers Come From?” which perfectly encapsulates the confusion of a 12-year-old girl grappling with her changing body. This episode would have been a timely resource for me recently, as I stood in disbelief handing my now 11-year-old daughter a towel as she emerged from the shower. “Oh, sweetie,” I exclaimed. “Look at you! You have hair down there now. How adorable!” She bolted from the bathroom and didn’t speak to me for days.
The First Egg
I couldn’t resist downloading “The First Egg,” where a group of high schoolers takes a parenting class and their assignment is to care for an egg. I can easily envision my daughter participating in this project today; she’d drop the egg immediately, blame its demise on her brother (who’s nowhere to be found), and then go back to binge-watching her favorite shows on Netflix.
Alexander
Unfortunately for my ambitions that day, two of my favorites quickly followed: “Alexander,” which tells the tale of a retired clown with a peculiar affection for children—nothing creepy about that at all—and “The Skating Rink,” which addresses the significant issue of stuttering among American teens in the late 1970s. Naturally, the protagonist, Tom, conquers his shyness and becomes a world-class figure skater.
Make Believe Marriage
Next, we delve into “Make Believe Marriage,” featuring high school students completing a mock marriage course. If anyone from my generation had paid attention to this episode, none of us would be married today. Picture this, dear: it’s a beautiful Saturday. How about we embark on our suburban Olympics? Grocery shopping, Home Depot runs, soccer practice, and dry cleaning await. Then, we’ll rush home to feed the kids, bathe them, vacuum, pay bills, and fall asleep by 9 PM watching Dateline. Romantic, right?
Throughout the episodes aired from 1972 to 1997, ABC notably neglected to address the experiences of gay teens—an oversight indeed. I can almost hear Tom gliding across the ice, exclaiming, “You fools, do you really think my stutter matters?”
The Unforgivable Secret
I wrapped things up with “The Unforgivable Secret,” featuring a 15-year-old who is shocked to discover that her supposedly “deceased” father is alive and well. This brought back memories of my childhood dog, Pepi. At just seven years old, I was told Pepi had run away to join a gang of neighborhood dogs. Years later, I confronted my mom about it, only to learn the truth: “You poor child, we had to put Pepi to sleep; he was blind, deaf, and kept running into walls.” Unforgivable, indeed.
While I relished this nostalgic journey, I think I’ll keep the remaining episodes as cherished memories from my childhood. Unless, of course, I’m feeling adventurous tonight; then I might just see if my husband is up for reenacting scenes from “Dinky Hocker,” the story of a food-obsessed teen. “Well hello there, Mister, I think your turkey drumstick would fit perfectly in my self-cleaning oven.” Perhaps I should save the food jokes for Dinky.
In summary, these Afterschool Specials provided a unique lens through which we navigated the complexities of growing up, often with humor and a dash of absurdity. If you’re interested in further exploring topics related to pregnancy and home insemination, check out resources like Progyny and Intracervical Insemination. For more on enhancing fertility, visit Make a Mom.