Occasionally, I ponder the idea of placing a personal ad—not for romance but in search of a best friend who resonates with my life experiences. While it’s easy to connect with other mothers in their forties, I often find that our paths diverge significantly. I might meet someone who’s been married for a long time, has young children, and shares some liberal views. However, once I mention that I’m a military spouse, an erotic romance writer, and that my sons are three and five, the common ground seems to vanish.
My circle of friends is diverse, and I genuinely appreciate that. As a writer, it’s fulfilling to engage with a wide range of individuals—from vibrant twenty-somethings to seasoned authors and bloggers I’ve met at various conferences and through social platforms. Social media has also been a great tool for reconnecting with old friends. Yet, while some of my high school classmates are celebrating their first grandchild, my husband and I are knee-deep in discussions about Montessori education and college savings plans. The dynamics shift further when I consider deployments; while some Navy spouses with young children are grappling with separations, my husband is on the verge of retirement, and those days are behind us.
I’ve always been somewhat unconventional. Raised in a household devoid of books, I became a passionate reader early on and began crafting stories in first grade. I constantly questioned societal norms and expectations. My inspiration comes from figures like Gloria Steinem, who instilled in me the belief that I could pursue any aspiration at any age. However, this spirit of independence has often left me feeling like an outsider. Despite having a fulfilling life, I lack a best friend who mirrors my unique experiences.
The term “BFF” feels outdated to me, perhaps because I’m over 40. Navigating friendships as a parent means my social life often revolves around my children. A girls’ night out translates to a coffee break with one close friend or a movie outing. I won’t be planning a wild weekend getaway for my 50th birthday—my closest friends span an age range of 15 to 20 years and are scattered across the country. By then, my kids will be in elementary school, so a backyard barbecue will likely be our celebration.
Throughout my life, I’ve blossomed at my own pace. Though I was a diligent student, it took me years and multiple universities to finish my undergraduate studies, and I only earned my master’s degree at 40. The births of my children came later in life, at ages 42 and 44. I married young at 23, with writing ambitions igniting long before I could even write in cursive. Ironically, I often felt the most aged during my pregnancies, but in daily life, I frequently feel youthful—immersed in a world of toys and family activities, even as I approach my silver wedding anniversary.
My life does not conform to the typical narratives of my peers, yet I do not consider myself a trendsetter. Many experience feelings of disconnection at various life stages, and friendships can falter over time. While I recognize that my situation is not unique, I’ve yet to find someone who echoes my life’s journey. Sometimes, it feels as if I exist as a mix of contrasting elements, pieced together to create a fulfilling existence. Still, there are moments of loneliness.
I have crafted a beautifully chaotic life—one built on the belief that I can forge my own path. I often encourage others to embrace their choices, whether it’s returning to school at 40 or prioritizing personal fulfillment, even if it means stepping away from parenting responsibilities occasionally. Yes, there is life—and joy—after having kids. My goal is to exemplify this mindset for my children, teaching them to challenge conventions and carve their own unique paths.
Though my way of life might not be the only or best approach, it is mine. And that is more than sufficient. Still, the desire to find a friend who understands my journey remains.
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Summary
The quest for adult friendships can be challenging, especially when life experiences and circumstances diverge. While many mothers connect with peers, unique paths can lead to feelings of isolation. Embracing individuality and encouraging others to pursue their dreams can help foster connections, yet the search for like-minded friends continues.