Well, folks, here we are. After trying every trick in the book, I am still very much pregnant. Every morning, I wake up and proclaim that today will be the day I finally meet my little one. Yet, come evening, I’m left washing yet another load of laundry, this time soaked from my own bodily fluids rather than amniotic fluid. Seriously, fetus, just cooperate for once!
Last week, I genuinely thought labor was imminent. After experiencing some false labor, I went into my OB appointment with high hopes, wondering just how dilated I’d be. On a scale of one to “You’ll need to abstain from intimacy for six weeks,” how ready was my cervix? I was sure today could be the big day!
But nope. Nothing had changed, except for the increasing tension on my maternity pants. So, despite my skepticism about alternative remedies (if they worked, they’d simply be called “medicine”), I decided to try all the old wives’ tales I could find online. Here’s a rundown of my attempts:
- Ankle Pressure Point: I dedicated an entire episode of my favorite show to pressing this so-called pressure point, only to end up with a sore ankle and no labor in sight.
- Fresh Pineapple: I love pineapple and have consumed one almost daily. If this were a valid method, I’d have gone into labor weeks ago. Instead, I just have a full bladder and sticky shorts.
- Intercourse: Apparently, this is supposed to help, but it seems like a stretch. Whoever came up with this clearly wasn’t thinking.
- Baby Interaction: I thought that by surrounding myself with adorable babies, mine would feel jealous and make his entrance. Instead, he proved to be way too smart for my tactics.
- Bicycle Riding: I only managed to sit on a bike at Target, but if bike riding truly induced labor, I’d have delivered by now.
- Taking a Walk: I hate being active at this stage, but I gave it a go anyway. The only result? A hefty shopping bill.
- Spicy Food: I’m not great with spice, but I tried it. The only thing that happened was me sweating profusely while the baby remained snug inside.
If you hoped for insight or a solution to your pregnancy woes, I’m sorry to burst your bubble. Hope has abandoned this space, and it seems we may be pregnant forever.
For more information on related topics, check out this article about fertility boosters for men and consider visiting this page on egg freezing for expert advice. If you’re looking for a comprehensive overview of artificial insemination, this Wikipedia entry is an excellent resource.
Summary: After trying seven various methods to induce labor, the author humorously recounts their experiences and frustrations at still being pregnant. From consuming pineapple to engaging with babies, none of the traditional remedies yielded results, leaving them to lament about the ongoing state of pregnancy.