When I was growing up, family-friendly films were typically labeled with a G rating. This G was understood to mean “good,” “golly-gosh,” or “grandma-approved.” A PG rating, on the other hand, often indicated that a character might have uttered “damn” or a woman showed her belly button. An R rating signified something far more scandalous, featuring language that could get you in trouble on the playground.
Fast forward to today, and G ratings are nearly extinct. The PG rating system leaves parents guessing about the suitability of movies for their children. It’s high time for a revamped rating system that truly reflects what families need. Here’s a fresh set of ratings that could prove more insightful for parents navigating the world of kids’ films.
ML—Mother Lives
How often have Disney films taken the tragic route of offing a parent in the first few minutes? It’s usually the moms who meet their demise at the hands of fairy-tale plotlines. The new ML rating informs parents that at least one parent—preferably the mother—will make it to the end credits. This means no sleepless nights filled with questions like, “Are you going to die soon?” or “Will I see your skeleton when you’re gone?”
ST—Spinal Tap
This rating suggests that the sound effects and music will reach ear-splitting levels. Consider bringing earplugs or noise-canceling headphones along for the ride.
EM—Explicit Merchandising
If a movie comes with a plethora of related merchandise—like apps, video games, lunchboxes, and themed bedding—be prepared for a hit to your wallet. If you just finished turning your child’s room into a “Big Hero 6” haven, you might want to wait for this new movie to drop on Redbox. This will buy you some time before your child once again shifts your spending habits.
VS—Viral Song
Expect the soundtrack to unleash the next catchy tune that your child will insist on playing non-stop—think along the lines of “Let It Go” or “Under the Sea.” You may enjoy the upbeat melodies now, but just wait until you encounter an adult who once endured the relentless repetition of those songs.
BBT—Birds and Bees Talk
If your child still believes that babies are delivered by storks, be aware that certain scenarios in the movie may lead to uncomfortable questions. However, if your child rides a public school bus, they’ve likely already received an impromptu sex education lesson from older classmates.
O-12—Obnoxious 12-Year-Old
This rating indicates the presence of at least one character reminiscent of Bart Simpson or Eric Cartman—someone whose annoying catchphrases will echo in your car for weeks. If the character engages in reckless antics or tells countless fart jokes, brace yourself for a long ride home filled with repetition.
CP—Creepy Puppets
Nothing sparks fear in a child’s heart quite like a creepy puppet. Whether it’s a walking clown or a talking doll, these figures can evoke primal fears of “things that move but shouldn’t.” Remember the unsettling puppet moments from classic films; they leave lasting impressions.
NTON—Not Tatum O’Neal
In today’s remakes, the classics often get overshadowed. Films like the revamped “Bad News Bears” can’t hold a candle to the original with Walter Matthau. Kids deserve to appreciate the charm of actors like Jodi Foster from the ’70s, rather than being subjected to modern interpretations.
A quick note: many beloved childhood films now carry PG-13 ratings. It’s worth revisiting these classics to see if they contain any surprises. For example, don’t forget the moment in “Bad News Bears” when Tanner exclaims, “take your apology and your trophy and shove ’em straight up your ass!” Add a TW—Tanner Warning—to your checklist.
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In summary, navigating kids’ movies today requires a new set of guidelines that resonate with parents. The above ratings offer a practical framework to help families make informed choices when it comes to movie watching.