Recently, famed fashion designers Marco and Lucia made headlines for labeling babies born through IVF to same-sex couples as “synthetic.” While they may excel in couture, their insights into alternative conception methods are questionable. Here’s a humorous take on how to differentiate these so-called synthetic children from their “real” counterparts:
- They Sleep on Demand: Synthetic children can be instructed to sleep at will, maintaining a peaceful slumber until the designated wake-up time. In contrast, typical kids often seek another sip of water or one last story, leading to midnight negotiations that ultimately land them back in your bed.
- Absence of Bodily Fluids: While all children seem to produce an endless array of fluids, including pee, poop, and the occasional vomit, synthetic kids are a marvel, producing none. A real child’s day is filled with cleanup from spills and messes, making the absence of such behavior a clear sign of synthetic origins.
- Cruciferous Vegetable Enthusiasts: One way to spot a synthetic child is to present them with a piece of raw cauliflower. If they devour it with delight and request more, they might just be synthetic. Real kids, however, often engage in mock gagging or demand ketchup to mask the taste of veggies.
- Orderly Playtime: A genuine child will leave toys scattered about, often leading to accidents involving sharp edges or permanent markers on furniture. Synthetic children, on the other hand, play quietly and return toys to their designated places, all while sharing with siblings.
- Model Behavior: Synthetic kids never throw tantrums in public. Instead, they gracefully accept that no new toys will be purchased and even ask for car seat straps to be tightened for their own safety. Real children, however, can turn a shopping trip into a dramatic affair.
- Dental Hygiene Aficionados: Synthetic children take their oral hygiene seriously, constantly inquiring about their last brushing and using floss appropriately. The notion of resisting bedtime brushing is completely foreign to them.
Unless you find a child that meets all these criteria, it’s safe to assume they are a “real” child. And as for inquiries about how a child was conceived—whether through IVF, surrogacy, or other methods—it’s best to leave those questions unasked. After all, that mother is likely preoccupied with the daily chaos of parenting, including spit-up incidents and Lego injuries.
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In summary, spotting a synthetic child is all in the details—from sleeping habits to dietary preferences. While the concept may seem humorous, the realities of parenting are often far more complex and messy.