When Mom Becomes the Main Provider and Secures Health Benefits

Adult human female anatomy diagram chartAt home insemination

From the outset of our relationship, I understood that I would likely be the one bringing in the bulk of the income in our partnership. Though the term “breadwinner” irks me—I have nothing against gluten—I found myself stuck in a job I largely disliked, channeling my time and self-respect into a paycheck that covered our rent, groceries, and bills.

I vividly recall a bright Spring morning filled with frustration and envy. My partner, Alex, was at home, free to explore his interests while watching mindless TV shows. At that time, he was in the often ambiguous “figuring things out” phase of unemployment—having wrapped up a visiting professorship in Pennsylvania and moved to New York in search of a teaching position while dabbling in furniture-making for extra cash.

On that dreary morning, while stuck in the front seat of his double-parked pickup truck—an arrangement made necessary by New York City’s alternate-side parking regulations—I calmly posed the question, “Would you ever take a job you despised just to secure benefits for us?” His curt “No” must have shown on my face as pure disappointment and anger, which seemed to trigger his emotional response.

Although it was an unpleasant morning (at least we avoided a parking ticket), it served as a wake-up call. I realized I couldn’t wait for him to settle into any job that came along, allowing me the chance to step back and ponder my own career path. Shortly after, what began as a simple favor to a friend to build a bookcase transformed into a profitable endeavor, leading to the establishment of his new career.

Fast-forward ten years, and while Alex’s income is sufficient by many standards, it falls short for our family of three in the high-cost living environment of New York City. This reality means I constantly assess my career moves for salary and benefits. It’s worth noting that I’ve yet to meet anyone who has transitioned to freelancing with a family and found affordable, quality coverage through Obamacare.

Most days, I manage to remain optimistic. Alex’s self-employment allows for some flexibility in managing school and childcare obligations. However, there are at least four times a year when I find myself in a heavy funk about our financial situation.

It can feel overwhelming, especially when my workplace undergoes its routine headcount reductions to bolster the bottom line. I often ponder why my friends with partners in lucrative fields like banking or law even bother working if financial necessity isn’t a factor. Sure, many derive joy from their careers, but that doesn’t compare to the idea of watching an old episode of Law & Order at 11:30 a.m. on a Tuesday.

This line of questioning brings me to wonder if men in previous generations felt similarly trapped, especially during times when women typically stayed home. Did my father feel confined by the unending demands of my mother and my three sisters? Eventually, my mother did join the workforce, primarily to fund her shopping habits. However, my father never juggled the daily responsibilities of family life alongside the need to provide financially. I’m the one who has to secure a job, obtain benefits, and simultaneously ensure our daughter’s teacher conferences are booked, her dental appointments are made, and she arrives at birthday parties with trendy gifts wrapped in colorful paper.

To be fair, Alex contributes; our daughter, who is now five, has had her nails trimmed by him just a handful of times, and I am rarely the one making breakfast or packing her lunch.

I find solace among other women who share similar experiences. No matter where I work, I encounter fellow earners who often engage in conversations about what life would look like if we had married someone wealthy or at least someone offering generous benefits—those coveted perks that some non-profits provide. One of my colleagues might mention returning to school, while another dreams of starting a side business, perhaps in floral design or cupcake baking.

As for me, my ideal job would be working alongside Alex in his woodshop, where I could acquire a skill and contribute to something tangible—something that doesn’t gnaw at my soul.

For more insights on navigating the journey of starting a family, you can check out one of our other blog posts on couples’ fertility journey. Additionally, understanding your cycle can be pivotal, as explored in this authoritative piece on tracking your ovulation cycle. Lastly, if you’re looking for resources on pregnancy and home insemination, this blog is an excellent source.

In summary, navigating the complexities of being the primary earner in a family can be challenging, especially when balancing professional responsibilities with family needs. Finding support from others in similar situations can help alleviate some of the burdens, as can seeking out resources that provide guidance on fertility and family planning.