If you’ve ever found yourself assembling numerous goody bags for a child’s birthday bash or have watched your seven-year-old struggle with hand cramps while penning the same two sentences on multiple thank you cards, then you might understand the overwhelming desire that often accompanies these seemingly mundane tasks: the urge to repeatedly bang your head against a wall.
Ah, those pesky goody bags and thank you notes. Why do we put ourselves through this? Here’s my theory: there exists a clandestine group of hyper-ambitious parents whose sole purpose is to torment everyday moms by crafting absurd social standards that no sane human could meet without substantial doses of caffeine. This elite organization is likely bankrolled by Hallmark and that toy company responsible for those tiny action figures with parachutes (the ones that inevitably get tangled on first use, leading to an inevitable trash can incident while your child wails).
This group probably calls itself “The Society for Imposing Unrealistic Expectations on Average Moms” (because why keep things simple?). For short, they refer to themselves as “The Expectations Society.”
Ordinary moms are, of course, excluded from the gatherings of The Expectations Society, which is why ridiculous concepts like goody bags and thank you cards always get approved. If a couple of regular moms managed to infiltrate one of these meetings and the subject of goody bags popped up, this is how the conversation might unfold:
One mom would stand up, kick a folding chair, and exclaim, “You mean to tell me that after I shell out $150 on a grass-destroying bounce house, you want me to fork over another $50 for a bag of junk for each kid?” The committee members would exchange anxious glances and reply, “Oh, but dear, how else are we supposed to make other parents feel inadequate?” Their tone would be unguarded since they wouldn’t realize that ordinary moms had breached their fortress. The ordinary mom would continue, “But I already spent a significant amount of time cleaning and setting up my home, not to mention hosting and feeding everyone! Isn’t that sufficient?”
At this point, the committee would sense a disruption because normal committee members don’t use phrases like “significant amount.” They would hastily call for a vote on goody bags before chaos ensues. “All in favor?” someone would ask, and only the regular moms would abstain. Meanwhile, the ordinary moms would erupt with cries like, “I will not endorse this nonsense!”
The ordinary moms would completely lose composure, putting committee members in playful headlocks until they agreed to remove goody bags from consideration. Security would arrive just in time to escort the moms out, citing a newly passed rule against headlocks during meetings that the ordinary moms weren’t even aware of.
What a shame, because this means they would miss the discussion on thank you cards. But if they had stayed, they would likely have said:
“Do you have a vendetta against the environment? Because I can’t think of a more absurd use of paper than creating cards that are tossed immediately after they’re read—if they’re read at all. You must really despise trees. ARE YOU ALL CRAZY?”
By this point, folding chairs would be flying, and security would be tasing mothers left and right, regardless of their committee status. The uproar caused by the ordinary moms would leave The Society for Imposing Unrealistic Expectations on Average Moms in such disarray that they would never dare to reconvene.
Hooray! Ordinary moms triumph!
But, alas, this is merely a sweet fantasy. Regular moms are clearly not privy to the secretive meetings of The Expectations Society, where life-altering decisions are made without our knowledge or approval.
But here we are now. It’s time to band together. While we may feel powerless alone, united we can challenge these ludicrous social norms that have insidiously infiltrated our cherished celebrations. I hereby declare: I will never again create a goody bag or force my child to write out thank you notes! Instead, I will rent an awesome bounce house, bake the most delectable strawberry cupcakes (okay, they’re from a mix, but they’re truly delicious), order ten pizzas, and entertain your child for a few hours.
And when you return from your well-deserved break to pick him up, I’ll greet you with a genuine hug and a heartfelt verbal “thank you” from both myself and my child. And since you’re an ordinary mom too, you’ll naturally respond, “No, thank you!”
In conclusion, it’s essential that we recognize the ridiculousness of these social pressures and advocate for simpler, more meaningful ways to celebrate life’s special moments. If you’re interested in exploring more about home insemination, check out this article for valuable insights. For those concerned about premature infant health, this resource is a great authority on the topic. Additionally, the CDC offers excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination.