A fellow mother from my twins’ kindergarten class recently inquired about how my daughter was faring in school. Our daughters were engrossed in a large picture book at a tiny table nearby. I hesitated but replied, “We’re experiencing some transition challenges,” despite not knowing her well—this was our first meeting amidst the morning drop-off chaos.
“Oh,” she responded, a bit too cheerfully, “I thought we were the only ones.”
I went on to describe the tantrums my five-year-old has been throwing: the tears over minor issues, the defiance at home, and how my daughter has begun claiming that her teacher is mean and that her classmates are pushing her around. (I’ve verified that these accusations are unfounded.)
“Everyone else tells me ‘Everything is fine,’ when I ask how kindergarten is going. I just don’t get it.”
I recognized that feeling—wanting to connect over a new and often shaky experience with other mothers, only to feel bewildered when everyone else seems to be managing just fine.
Finding Community in Shared Struggles
When my eldest daughter was born, I was overwhelmed by exhaustion and the struggles of breastfeeding, grappling with a new reality that made me feel irritable and scared. In those early days, when I would ask other new mothers at our baby gym or over coffee how they were holding up, my heart would sink at their chirpy responses of “Wonderful!”
It wasn’t until I met a few other moms with babies the same age who openly admitted to feeling like they might toss their crying infants out the window that I finally found my community. We all knew nobody would actually do that, but it was a relief to share both the triumphs and challenges of new parenthood. A space exists within the vast maze of motherhood where we can speak our truths.
I don’t wish for others to be miserable; I want to exchange ideas and solutions for our shared struggles, along with support. But if you can’t acknowledge that parenting can sometimes feel like a punishment for past sins, then we might not connect well.
The Pressure to Appear Perfect
The day after my chat in the classroom, I encountered another mom I knew from a previous program our kids attended together. She asked how the kids were doing in school, and I replied, “We’re still facing some challenges at home. They excel in school, but they reserve all their anxiety for me at home.”
She looked visibly relieved.
Are these mothers cruel or sadistic? Do they take pleasure in hearing about my kids’ struggles and my own missteps? Certainly not. It’s either that everyone else’s children are remarkably well-adjusted, or they’re not being truthful. I’ve seen other kids crying in the mornings, clinging to their parents during drop-off, so I know my children are not alone in their adjustment struggles.
I often wonder why we don’t share our realities more openly. While I respect that some people are more private, the insistence on declaring that everything is always “fine” after another mom has expressed her fears or frustrations suggests a troubling pressure to maintain a facade of perfection.
The Role of Social Media
Much of this pressure can be attributed to social media. I’m not against sharing moments of joy; I do it too. No one should feel they cannot express the beautiful and sublime aspects of parenting. However, I believe there’s an imbalance in how motherhood is portrayed publicly, and it doesn’t serve anyone well. Those who are seen as perfect face unrelenting pressure to maintain that image, while the rest of us feel inadequate when we can’t replicate the picture-perfect moments we see online.
Mothers I meet are yearning for connections with others who understand their experiences. I refuse to sugarcoat what happens in my home—the absurd, awkward, and often terrifying moments. This honesty may make some uncomfortable, but it has also fostered connections filled with comfort, humor, and humility. In our shared vulnerabilities, I’ve discovered the beauty of humanity.
Embracing the Complexities of Parenting
In conclusion, it’s essential to embrace the complexities of parenting, acknowledging both the highs and lows without fearing judgment. We all crave authentic connections and support, and by sharing our truths, we can create a more understanding and compassionate community.
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