As each school year begins, I sit down with my boys to discuss the issue of bullying—what it is and why they must not become bullies themselves. This conversation is particularly vital because our children, both on the autism spectrum, often find it difficult to interpret social cues and emotions. Sarcasm and meanness can easily go over their heads, and if they recognize a child’s unkind behavior, it’s usually by mirroring it rather than addressing it appropriately.
This raises a significant question for us as parents: when should we step in, and when should we allow our kids to advocate for themselves? Striking that balance is a challenge that many parents face as their children mature.
Two years ago, our oldest child first experienced bullying. After a series of meetings and accountability measures, we hoped it would be resolved, but deep down, we understood it likely wouldn’t be the last incident. My husband and I often debated our role in these situations. Should we report every incident to the school? We want our children to learn resilience but also to know we are there to support them.
Last year, the same child who had previously bullied our son began targeting him again, which left me furious. Our sensitive child was going to bed in tears night after night, all because of one mean-spirited kid. I struggled with how to help him develop a thicker skin while also encouraging him to stand up for himself without crossing into bullying.
One night, during a discussion about the bully, my child asked me how he should respond when faced with such behavior. Taking a moment to gather my thoughts, I shared with him a strategy I use when dealing with adult bullies. I told him, “When I encounter someone unpleasant, I remind myself, this person is just rude. Life is filled with all kinds of people—most are nice, but some are simply not worth my energy. So when that kid is mean to you, just think, this kid is rude.”
To my surprise, this approach seemed to comfort him. However, I worried about whether I had made a poor parenting choice. What if he said something inappropriate at school? Thankfully, he didn’t, and this tactic has yielded positive results.
Recently, while at a ballpark, a group of kids began to torment our youngest child. Their remarks escalated to the point where they told him the world would be better off if he harmed himself—unbelievably harsh words directed at an 8-year-old. When our oldest saw this, he came to me, asking for help. That was the moment I knew I had to intervene. No child should hear such hurtful things.
After some tears and an apology, our youngest surprisingly moved on from the incident quickly. I was thankful he hadn’t fully grasped the complexities of cruelty due to his autism, and I hoped he wouldn’t remember this painful episode later. Nevertheless, I recognized that our oldest understood the weight of what had transpired.
As we walked away from the park, I felt tears of anger swell in my eyes. I calmly asked our oldest how he felt after witnessing the bullying. “I’m okay, and I’m glad my brother is fine,” he replied. “Those kids were just rude.”
This moment felt like a small victory in parenting.
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In summary, navigating the challenges of bullying requires a delicate balance of intervention and fostering independence in our children. By equipping them with coping strategies while also providing support, we can help them face these difficult situations with resilience and strength.