While indulging in my annual February treat of an entire box of Girl Scout Thin Mints paired with some Pinot Noir, I suddenly realized something was missing: the Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Issue. I pondered whether to write another guide after last year’s rather intense backlash, which included some rather unpleasant messages. But then I thought, why not? A little controversy adds flavor to life.
So here it is, my 2015 Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Purchasing Guide. No need to spend money on this one; I could whip it up for you using my grandma’s old kitchen curtains and some vintage mesh hosiery. Oh wait, I can’t sew! Guess you’re on your own for this.
Can someone assist her with the shoulder straps? It seems she’s only using one. But who needs both shoulders anyway? Living life on the edge!
Behold this unfortunate hybrid of a one-piece and two-piece swimsuit, as if it were the product of a bizarre fashion experiment.
Get ready to embrace your inner cowboy! Nothing screams sophistication quite like a swimsuit adorned with fringe.
I’ve named these “Play Dough Squish” because that’s exactly how my hips would look squeezed between those straps—like tiny hot dogs. Ketchup, anyone?
Here’s a modest option for those who prefer a hint of cheekiness without going too far.
We definitely need a hose and a shirt for this lady. No one enjoys sand in uninvited places. I can only imagine her nipples are either nicely exfoliated or perhaps bleeding. And that hair and sand on her back? It’s driving me crazy just thinking about it!
“Ah, these rocks look comfy. Time for a nap!” — said no one ever. I’d likely end up with a floppy post-breastfeeding breast spilling out one side and would probably topple into the water thanks to that giant wave behind me.
Are you planning to actually get in that hammock, or are you just going to stand there looking cute? Move aside, so I can lay down! And while you’re up, please bring me a vodka on the rocks.
All images courtesy of Victoria’s Secret. Naturally.
For additional insights, check out this blog post for more on your journey. And if you’re looking for expert advice on nursery planning, this website has you covered. Plus, Mount Sinai offers fantastic resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
This playful take on the 2015 Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Issue blends humor and fashion critique, encouraging readers to embrace their own style. It humorously addresses the complexities of swimsuit shopping while providing helpful links to resources for home insemination and nursery planning.