A while back, I enjoyed a casual dinner with some grounded friends, Mark and Lisa. Mark, a physician, and Lisa, a publisher, were not the type to chase after a Pinterest-perfect lifestyle. They had two children and believed that outdoor adventures—like digging in the dirt, catching frogs, or building forts—were the best forms of entertainment. Video games and engineered playrooms designed to stimulate a child’s senses were not part of their family ethos. Their cozy home was just the right size, proving that four people can thrive without sprawling in 20,000 square feet. What I admired most was their practical approach to parenting; their kids rode bikes, accepted whatever food was served, and remembered their manners.
During one dinner, Mark shared a story about his kindergarten son inviting a friend over to play. When the friend arrived, he commented on their “adorable” home, asking, “Is this all there is?” Once inside, the friend inquired about the playroom, to which Mark’s son replied, “I don’t have a playroom.” The friend then asked, “Where do you play?” and received the answer, “I play in my room.” The conversation continued with questions about a Wii, which they didn’t own, leading to an offer to play outside instead. The play date proceeded until dinner, when Mark began preparing burgers and corn on the grill. The friend, however, expected Kobe beef, declaring, “I can only eat Kobe beef.” Mark had to clarify that their meal was simply Costco’s ground chuck. That child was instantly marked as OTL (off the list).
After that evening, I warned my kids that nothing could get you on the dreaded High Maintenance Child List faster than being demanding or rude. With that in mind, I crafted the following questionnaire to help assess the needs of visiting children, ensuring our home remains a welcoming environment for everyone involved.
Eating Preferences:
Please specify your child’s eating habits:
- a) Vegan
- b) Gluten-free
- c) Sugar-free and gluten-free
- d) Dairy-free, gluten okay
- e) Nut-free, dairy-free, gluten okay
- f) Will eat anything as long as foods don’t touch on the plate
- g) Will only drink soda, even if it’s not available
- h) Will eat food as long as it’s colorless and devoid of any sauces
Sleepover Considerations:
Please inform me of the following:
- a) Your child wakes up at 5 AM and expects entertainment, so I’ll need to be prepared with breakfast and maybe even a clown suit.
- b) Your child requires back rubs to fall asleep, and I should be ready to provide this service for hours.
- c) Your child is so health-conscious that if I serve them pizza, I should prepare for potential consequences at 4 AM.
- d) Your child has never slept in their own bed, so I should expect midnight visits.
Animal Awareness:
How should we prepare for your child’s animal interactions?
- a) Your child has cat allergies, but dogs are fine.
- b) Your child loves cats but fears dogs.
- c) Your child is allergic to cats and dislikes dogs, so all pets must be boarded.
- d) Your child’s allergies necessitate a full-house air filter running for 24 hours before the playdate.
Preferred Playtime Toys:
What toys should I have ready?
- a) Legos, but no official sets; creativity should run free.
- b) Legos, please ensure all pieces are present; directions are essential.
- c) American Girl Dolls with a wardrobe and hair salon.
- d) Any toys, as long as they’re not made in China.
Television and Movie Guidelines:
What are your child’s viewing permissions?
- a) Your child can watch PG-13 films, provided there’s no strong language or sexual content, but violence is okay.
- b) Your child can watch PG-13 films without violence or strong language, with some innuendo permitted.
- c) Your child cannot watch any television at all; studies show this can negatively affect their development.
- d) Your child has older siblings and can watch anything; just keep them safe, please!
Activity Preferences:
What activities would engage your child the best?
- a) Your child wants to bake gluten-free cupcakes with politically correct toppings.
- b) Your child is a budding filmmaker and would love costumes and video editing tools.
- c) Your child enjoys board games, and you’ll provide the adjusted rules to cater to their self-esteem.
- d) Your child loves the arts; please list their preferred mediums to ensure they’re satisfied.
Household Rules:
What guidelines should I follow?
- a) Allow snacks and drinks throughout the house to avoid hunger issues.
- b) Cover all furniture and walls to protect against tantrums.
- c) Store all breakables, as even a glance could lead to accidents.
- d) Install a jungle gym in the living room, with a slide for fun!
Lastly, thank you to all the parents who shared their experiences to help me write this post, and to my children for being good sports about their own quirks. Remember, this is all in good humor, and I assure you, it’s not your child!
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Summary:
In this humorous piece, Emily Parker shares a questionnaire designed to help parents navigate playdates with high-maintenance children. Through various categories, including eating preferences, sleepover requirements, and household rules, the piece highlights the challenges of accommodating different needs while fostering a fun environment for kids. The light-hearted tone encourages parents to reflect on their own experiences while providing helpful insights.