Embracing motherhood is an extraordinary journey, one that empowers and reshapes you in ways you never imagined. Before long, you might find yourself shopping at Target without a bra, enthusiastically praising your child for their latest bathroom triumph while contemplating how many boxes of Mac & Cheese will be necessary to get through another week of toddler tantrums and random midnight wake-ups.
People will assure you that you’re an amazing mom and that this whole parenting thing suits you perfectly. You’ll absorb those compliments, feeling proud of yourself—until the moment arrives when you glance down at your phone while sitting on the toilet for what feels like an eternity, only to realize your three-year-old is wielding a pair of scissors, attempting to turn your unpaid bills into confetti. That’s the moment you realize just how much motherhood has altered your reality, and honestly? It’s a bit terrifying.
After the scissor incident, I began to scrutinize my own behavior. Who is this person? Did she really just use her finger to wipe milk off her son’s chin and then wipe it on her shirt? Is she still lounging in her pajamas at 2:30 PM? Is this normal?
I’m managing, I promise. But as I take stock of my life as a mom, I must confess that I engage in some rather peculiar behaviors that make me want to sneak away:
- When I spot my kids’ dried boogers on the wall, I simply turn a blind eye and walk away. Who has time for that mess?
- I can’t help but make “That’s what she said” jokes to myself when my kids announce things like, “Mom! Check out this giant banana!” Don’t judge me.
- Occasionally, I forget to eat lunch. When I do, I transform into a ravenous creature, scouring the remnants on my children’s plates like I’ve hit the foodie jackpot.
- If my kids aren’t responding to me, I often channel the wisdom of Daniel Tiger to get them to comply. Thanks to him, my children have learned how to brush their teeth, share their toys, and flush the toilet. Friends help each other, yes they do, it’s true—what a lifesaver!
- If I manage to shower before 2:30 PM, it’s usually because I’m running late and need to be somewhere fast. In such cases, I’ll drink coffee and brush my teeth in the shower to maximize efficiency. Multi-tasking level: expert.
- My kids often inspire me to create and perform my own songs, most of which revolve around the theme of poop. My top hits include “She’s a Super Poop” and “Drop It Like It’s Poop.”
- When it’s my turn to count in hide-and-seek, I snuggle up on the couch with a blanket and see how high I can count before my kids plead for me to find them. One hundred and thirty-two… one hundred and thirty-three… so peaceful!
- Lastly, I’ve been promoted to the role of master butt crack inspector. After years of changing diapers, I’ve passed the torch to my son and daughter, teaching them the fine art of wiping. I must say, the streak-free undies in the laundry basket are quite impressive.
Motherhood is undeniably bizarre and sometimes scary, but it’s also everything you could hope for. I’m doing just fine, I promise. You will be too. If you ever need a moment of peace, just sneak into the bathroom, close the door, and enjoy five blissful minutes of… oh wait. Not this time, mom.
For more insights into motherhood and parenting, check out our post on at-home insemination kits—it’s a must-read for those on this journey. Additionally, for more information on fertility and pregnancy, Cleveland Clinic’s podcast is an excellent resource. And if you’re looking for expert advice, Intracervical Insemination has got you covered.
In summary, motherhood transforms you into a unique being filled with quirks and experiences that may seem strange but are entirely normal in the realm of parenting. Embrace the weirdness; it’s part of the journey.