As I prepare for a rare night out, I’ve got my kids all fed, bathed, and snug in their beds. My makeup is on, albeit slightly smudged from my hasty application, and I’m dressed in my finest clothes—free from the usual stains of toddler adventures. My partner is at the door ready to leave, and I’m about to give the babysitter some final pointers. However, what I communicate and what I really mean are often worlds apart.
For instance:
What I Say: Feel free to grab a snack from the kitchen.
What I Mean: Go ahead and munch on the fresh veggies—they’re safe since my kids have declared war on them. The pasta is also up for grabs; I buy it in bulk since it’s my daughter’s only food preference. Just steer clear of the graham crackers; I’m not sure how long they’ve been lurking in there. My son had a brief fling with them before labeling them “yucky,” and he hasn’t changed his mind since. And whatever you do, don’t touch the chocolate hidden behind the cans of corn and green beans. I’m fully aware of its quantity and trust me, you won’t work in this town again if you dare to look at it.
What I Say: You can invite a friend over.
What I Mean: Sure, bring a friend—especially if they happen to run a cleaning service! Do you know anyone who enjoys scrubbing sticky yogurt off the walls? Or perhaps someone who can lift the couch while you vacuum underneath it? You could even earn a little bonus if you two can uncover the source of that mysterious smell coming from the toy box.
What I Say: She should be asleep the whole time you’re here.
What I Mean: “Should” is the key word here. My two-year-old is expected to sleep through the night, but don’t be surprised if you hear a soft knock on her door every ten minutes. When you check on her, she’ll likely proclaim, “Me awake! Me play!” I’d love for you to return her to bed, but I apologize in advance for the inevitable chorus of, “I’m not sleepy! I’m awake!” that you’ll have to endure.
What I Say: Watch whatever you’d like on Netflix.
What I Mean: Feel free to watch whatever you want, but please don’t judge me based on what you see under “Recently Watched.” I spend my days helping cartoon characters and singing songs with animated friends. Once my kids are asleep, I crave the most adult content available. If you’re surprised by the violent shows, rest assured it’s just my version of TV therapy after being immersed in child-friendly chaos all day.
What I Say: We shouldn’t be out too late.
What I Mean: We haven’t had a night out in forever, and we plan to make the most of it! After dinner, a movie, and dessert, we might find ourselves sitting on the hood of our car in a parking lot just to savor our freedom. There’s even a chance we have an overnight bag in the trunk in case we decide to extend our night. By the way, do you offer weekly rates?
What I Say: Call me if you have any questions.
What I Mean: The only question you should be asking is how to reattach my son’s arm if he somehow loses it. As long as he’s breathing and there’s no bloodshed, I don’t need to know about it. Don’t call to ask if he can have ice cream or what to do when my daughter requests her seventh glass of water. You’re in charge now; Mama’s going out tonight!
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In summary, the instructions given to babysitters often hold deeper meanings that reflect the realities of parenting. From kitchen guidelines to expectations of children’s sleep patterns, the subtext reveals the chaotic yet humorous nature of balancing life as a parent while trying to reclaim a little freedom.