My Birth Plan, Seriously

Adult human female anatomy diagram chartAt home insemination

Dear Hospital Team,

We appreciate your support as we navigate this incredible journey of bringing our baby into the world. Below is a guide to help ensure that our birthing experience aligns with our wishes.

  1. Should either my partner or I become overwhelmed and start to cry or breathe rapidly at the realization that we are about to take on the responsibility of caring for a tiny human—especially given our track record of forgetting whose turn it is to take out the trash—please allow us a moment of dignity and step back.
  2. If my partner tries to sneak a candy bar into the room due to the stress of coaching me through labor, kindly take it away and offer him a glass of ice chips instead.
  3. If he attempts to smuggle in a refreshing soda, please disregard that; we all know ice chips are the only acceptable option.
  4. When offered pain relief, if I say, “No, I’ve watched documentaries and believe I can handle this,” please interpret that as “Yes, I change my mind—bring on the medication!”
  5. If we arrive at our birthing suite and the TV is non-functional, you might as well prepare for chaos, as we won’t last long without distractions.
  6. If you encounter a nurse who embodies the “tough love” approach and lacks a smile, kindly redirect us to a more compassionate caregiver who enjoys providing comfort.
  7. If anyone offers me a mirror during crowning, I might enthusiastically accept before going a bit overboard and breaking it in a fit of excitement.
  8. I request that the baby is placed on my chest immediately after delivery for a photo opportunity to send to my skeptical mother-in-law, who was not allowed to be present for the birth.
  9. After our little one arrives, we prefer him to stay in our room for all necessary care. This isn’t just about bonding; it’s because my partner recently watched a suspenseful film and is now convinced of all the possible mix-ups.
  10. The lactation consultant is welcome to visit, but please let her know that we plan to offer a pacifier at the earliest opportunity and would rather skip the “nipple confusion” lecture.

Thank you for taking the time to understand our preferences as we prepare for the arrival of our first child! As a side note, if you’re interested in home insemination, this is one of our other blog posts that you might find useful: BabyMaker Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit Combo. For further insights, this resource on pregnancy and home insemination is highly recommended. Additionally, for expert advice regarding dental health during pregnancy, check out Dental Health Experts.

In summary, we appreciate your understanding and support as we embark on this life-changing event.