Parenting Insights
By Jessica Moore
Updated: Feb. 5, 2020 | Originally Published: Jan. 4, 2015
One evening, my kids returned home, both exclaiming, “It’s astonishing how many kids can’t stand their parents!” We spent about an hour discussing this, and I’ve also chatted with several teens over the past few months for deeper insight.
The good news is that most teenagers are quite forgiving of parental mistakes; they acknowledge their own flaws and are typically quick to forgive. Even better, in a healthy relationship, teenagers appreciate you for who you are. Sure, they might cringe when you hug them in front of their friends or drop them off at school, but they genuinely don’t care if you’re not in the best shape, or if your wardrobe is outdated.
Even the most well-meaning parents will likely see themselves reflected in the following points, but consider this as a chance to grow rather than to chastise yourself. Maintaining a good relationship with your teen takes effort, and effective communication can be crucial. While serious issues can often be resolved through a strong bond, even minor disagreements can escalate into significant problems if your interactions are fraught with tension.
- Failing to Listen
Years ago, I received some invaluable advice: “Once your child hits 13 or 14, they already know your thoughts on nearly everything. Your new role is to listen.” Initially, I felt defensive; I had so much wisdom to impart! But the truth is, things change. As adults, we may think we understand the teenage experience, but the world has transformed since our own youth. What I’ve discovered is that when you genuinely listen, your kids will come to you for your perspective. - Over-Criticism
While we all know the drawbacks of excessive fault-finding, a degree of critique is necessary in parenting. It’s our responsibility to teach kids about grooming, chores, and homework. However, criticism should be offered kindly and sparingly. Nobody, especially teenagers, can endure a constant stream of negativity. Remember that kids face criticism daily from peers and teachers; home should be a sanctuary of love and acceptance, with only the occasional reminder about personal hygiene. - Interrogating Them
This point may seem to contradict the previous one. How can a parent listen without asking questions? The difference is significant. Questions like “Where were you? Who were you with?” can feel like an interrogation if not approached carefully. Sure, ask a couple of questions, then pause and listen to what they have to say. Just like in a classroom discussion, allowing silence can lead to valuable insights. Simply saying, “I’m listening” during those quiet moments creates a safe space for open conversation. - Sharing Embarrassing Stories Publicly
I often hear parents belittling their kids at social gatherings, treating it as normal. Can you imagine how it feels to overhear your parents discussing your flaws in front of others? Negative comments can lead kids to feel like their home is a place where they don’t belong. As one boy expressed, “My parents’ house feels like just a place to sleep; why would I want to be in a space where I’m constantly wrong?” - Labeling Their Behavior
Stereotypes about teenagers being “irresponsible” or “lazy” are all too common. Yes, their brains are developing, but I’ve seen many teens managing complex lives, from volunteering to excelling in academics. They deserve a little grace when they forget to take out the trash. - Picking the Wrong Battles
We all know the classic scenario of a child forced to eat their vegetables. As parents, we need to assess whether certain issues are truly worth fighting over. Teenagers face significant challenges, and deciding what to have for dinner is often trivial in comparison. If you grant them some autonomy, they’ll likely respect your views on more serious matters. - Expecting Immediate Compliance
Too often, parents expect their kids to comply with requests as if they were spouses or themselves. It’s essential to give teens the same respect as you would like for your own time. - Invading Their Privacy
As children grow, their need for personal space increases. It’s natural for them to want some alone time to explore their interests and relationships. Trying to pry into their private lives may just push them further away. Having a journal or a stash of personal items doesn’t mean they’re hiding something; it’s a sign they’re developing their own identity. - Being Perpetually Suspicious
When parents operate under a cloud of distrust, kids may gravitate toward risky behaviors. It’s crucial to maintain safeguards without compromising the relationship. For instance, monitoring computer use can be a protective measure rather than an act of mistrust. - Hesitating to Apologize
Some parents act as if saying “I’m sorry” is a sign of weakness. Each time you lose your temper or unjustly punish your child, you build a wall between you. Apologizing can break down those barriers and demonstrates to your children the importance of accountability. - Prioritizing Objects Over Your Teen
My teens particularly dislike it when I take phone calls while driving. Although it can be necessary, they prefer brief conversations when they’re in the car. It’s vital for them to feel valued, even when distractions are around. If they feel important, they’re more likely to value their connection with you. - Nitpicking Their Appearance
Teenagers are acutely aware of their looks, yet parents often can’t help but offer unsolicited advice. While younger children may need reminders about hygiene, older teens typically know the basics. Instead of nagging, encourage family standards of care without making it personal. - Comparing Them to Others
Almost every parent has fallen into the trap of comparing one child to another or to peers. Imagine how it would feel if your partner compared you to a sibling or a friend. - Expecting Athletic or Artistic Excellence
I’ve witnessed parents berating their children for not excelling in sports or the arts. At a poignant moment, a friend once reminded a group of children that their parents love them unconditionally, regardless of their achievements.
If you’ve read this far, you’re likely a parent who genuinely cares for your children and strives to cultivate a joyful family. We all possess more instincts about our kids than any parenting manual could offer. Above all, remember that both you and your teenagers are learning, and showing patience and forgiveness toward each other will be key.
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Summary
Understanding and nurturing your relationship with your teenager is vital for a harmonious family environment. By avoiding common pitfalls such as excessive criticism, invading privacy, and placing material objects above emotional connections, you can foster a supportive atmosphere. Remember that both you and your teen are on a journey of growth, and patience and understanding will go a long way in building a lasting bond.