The other day, my 4-year-old son asked if I could join him for a game while I was frying potatoes and the baby was wailing in his high chair. Naturally, I agreed, albeit with a forced cheerfulness, as I often find myself snapping at him when he requests something like a unique costume—think “Subway Worker/Spider” or “Knight with Ice Powers”—which requires Googling, scissors, and a mood board. I’m working on being less irritable.
However, attempting to play Qwirkle while managing hot oil proved more difficult than I imagined. After he asked me to make my move for the third time, I snapped, “Do you know how tough it is to cook and play a game at the same time?” Of course, he doesn’t understand. He’s never cooked before. The concept of multitasking isn’t on his radar, and I worry that I might be teaching him that asking for what he wants will lead to frustration.
We all know couples who bicker incessantly, turning every gathering into a scene reminiscent of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” Will their kids think that contempt and sarcastic remarks are standard in relationships? Reflecting on my own marriage, I realized that it serves as a blueprint for my children’s future romantic interactions. To gain deeper insights, I consulted Danielle Morris, a therapist trained at the Gottman Institute, to learn how to foster a positive relationship with my partner and model it for my kids. Here’s what I discovered about what happy couples teach their children.
1. Responding to Requests for Attention
Drs. Julie and John Gottman, a married duo of psychologists, pinpointed “micro-behaviors” that can either fortify or undermine a relationship. They refer to these as “bids for attention,” and how one responds is crucial. For instance, my husband might say, “I discovered something interesting in my research today.” I can either respond positively, ignore him, or react negatively. Morris notes that happily married couples “turn towards” these bids about 86% of the time, while unhappy couples do so only about 33%. It’s about acknowledging emotional needs, even in small ways, like responding to a simple query about household supplies.
2. How to Gracefully Delay Responses
As a mother, I’ve been conditioned to prioritize others’ needs, even when I’m dealing with hot oil. I need to learn how to say, “I can’t listen to your story right now, but I will after lunch,” without the underlying tone of frustration.
3. Managing Overwhelm Without Losing Composure
Juggling childcare, chores, and work can overwhelm me, causing my temper to fray. Yet, my stress isn’t my children’s fault; it’s something my partner and I need to address. Learning to navigate stress without unleashing it on loved ones is a vital relationship skill.
4. Making Amends When Responses Fall Short
The key, according to Morris, lies in making amends—offering an apology when you react poorly to someone’s request for attention. I apologized to my son for my reaction during our game and promised to play later.
5. Cultivating a Culture of Appreciation
Morris emphasizes the importance of openly expressing what we value and appreciate about one another, such as complimenting a meal or acknowledging help with the kids’ teachers. These affirmations foster a home environment where appreciation is normalized.
6. Encouraging Social Awareness in Relationships
Involved parents should be aware of their children’s friends and partners. Morris advises inviting their friends over without being overly embarrassing. When children experience kindness, they learn to expect it in their relationships.
7. Rejecting Contempt in Relationships
The Gottmans identified four predictors of divorce, with contempt being the most damaging. As Morris points out, if kids witness one parent belittling the other, they may internalize that behavior as acceptable.
8. Recognizing the Harm in “Jokes”
Morris warns that contempt can often masquerade as humor. A seemingly innocent quip can carry a deep sting, affecting the dynamics of the relationship.
9. Creating Your Own Family Culture
Despite my feminist ideals, I find it easy to slip into traditional gender roles. Recognizing and negotiating cultural influences that shape relationships is essential. Morris advises couples to discuss their family backgrounds and consciously create a unique family culture, which helps avoid resentment.
In summary, happy couples teach their children valuable lessons about healthy relationships, emphasizing the importance of communication, appreciation, and mutual respect. These lessons will not only shape their children’s future relationships but also contribute to their overall emotional well-being.
For additional insights on parenting and relationships, you may find this article on sensory processing issues informative. If you’re interested in home insemination options, consider checking out our post on artificial insemination kits. For those exploring fertility treatments, resources like UCSF’s IVF guide provide valuable information.