Dear Vagina,
In this wild world we live in, I want to assure you there are some experiences I will never put you through…
- Vagina Knitting. No matter how lonely I might feel in my golden years, or how many cats I end up adopting, I promise to never use you as a knitting tool. The idea of inserting yarn into your special space to create cozy scarves or blankets is utterly absurd. Those poor outdoor cats may need warmth, but I swear you will not be crafting any kitty outfits!
- Vagina Yogurt. Even if finances get tight, I will never turn you into a food source. Sure, I read about a college student who made yogurt from her own bacteria, but let’s be real: I can’t stand yogurt—neither the kind made from you nor the usual kind. Her claims about its flavor with blueberries make me cringe. I prefer to steer clear of such “new cultures.”
- Vagina Waxing. Rest assured, the thought of a “hair removal specialist” pouring hot wax on you and ripping hair out is too much to bear. What if the technician is having a bad day? I can’t risk losing a part of you in the process. You are perfect just the way you are, and there’s no need for those painful procedures.
- Vagina Piercing. I’ve yet to understand why anyone would consider this. For many women, piercing the clitoral hood is just as painful as piercing the actual clitoris. The idea of heightened arousal while shopping is not appealing, especially with my son’s friends around. I wouldn’t want to give anyone a shock in the dairy aisle!
- Vagina Bleaching. I cannot fathom why anyone would want to alter your natural beauty. You are just as radiant and lovely as ever, and I have no desire to change that. I can’t imagine waking up and worrying about your tone. If anything, I’d rather enjoy my morning coffee without thinking about such things.
- Vagina Steaming. Let’s skip the steaming altogether. I see no wrinkles or issues that require such treatment. I won’t put you through the discomfort of sitting over a pot of “therapeutic” concoctions. If Gwyneth Paltrow endorses it, that’s even more reason to stay away!
- Vagina Collagen. Yes, collagen is not just for lips anymore! This trend of injecting collagen directly into the G-spot is baffling and costly. For the same amount of money, we could enjoy a beautiful vacation together. Why go through that when we have perfectly good vibrators?
- Vagina Decorating. The latest trend of “vajazzling” doesn’t appeal to me. You deserve to be appreciated as you are. The thought of hot glue, shaky hands, and spilled sequins is too daunting. I won’t be adding any unnecessary embellishments.
So there it is, my promise to you: I will never subject you to any of these ridiculous trends. Let’s embrace the natural look and enjoy our time together without the fuss of societal pressures. After all, you are my pride and joy, and I wouldn’t trade you for any fleeting fad.
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Summary: In a humorous and candid tone, this piece outlines the numerous fads and trends that the author vows to avoid when it comes to her vagina, from knitting and yogurt-making to waxing and piercing. The author emphasizes a commitment to embracing natural beauty and avoiding painful or unnecessary procedures.