In my close-knit community, I’m often recognized as the mom with two lively children. Whether we’re at the playground, school, or grocery store, they’re by my side. They drive me absolutely crazy and are the source of many gray hairs, but they are also my greatest joys. They are my entire universe and my motivation for living.
What most people don’t realize is that there was another child who came before them. His name was Ethan James, and he passed away just nine days after birth due to a congenital heart defect. This September will mark seven years since Ethan left us, and the pain of his loss remains fresh. For some, seven years might seem like an eternity, but for me, it often feels like just yesterday.
Our family and close friends also remember Ethan. His loss was a collective heartache. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when I became pregnant again a few months later, viewing it as a sign that life would return to normal. While the thought was comforting, it couldn’t have been further from the truth. My other children have certainly brought joy, but they do not replace the child I lost; that pain is everlasting.
As a bereaved mother, I have penned many reflections on this unimaginable loss. Like many grieving parents, there are certain experiences that remain constant, regardless of how much time passes. Here are eight of those experiences:
- Flashbacks
Just last night, I leaned down to kiss my daughter while she was asleep and was struck by how serene she looked. In an instant, I pictured Ethan in his tiny coffin. This is a common experience for bereaved parents. Many are haunted by memories of the hospital or the moment they lost their child. While these flashbacks are less frequent now, they still surface, sometimes bringing tears, sometimes smiles. I anticipate these memories will remain with me for life. - Guilt
Initially, I struggled to find the will to live. Losing a child feels profoundly unnatural; parents are meant to outlive their children. As days turned into weeks, I found myself questioning what I might have done wrong to cause his illness. As a parent, you’d do anything to protect your child—how could I not have done the same? Even now, guilt lingers. My living children bring me joy, yet I often wonder if it’s acceptable for me to experience happiness again. As they celebrate milestones, I can’t help but think of Ethan, who never had that opportunity. - Strained Relationships
My anger towards certain people in my life was intense. Offering comfort to grieving parents is challenging, and often, people don’t know the right words to say. Some may avoid acknowledging the loss altogether, while others might criticize how you grieve. These situations can exacerbate the pain and create rifts in relationships. While I have worked through much of my anger and even forgiven those who hurt us, the memories remain. - Triggers
Shortly after Ethan’s death, my husband and I visited a supermarket after being at the cemetery. Hearing another mother call for her son—who shared Ethan’s name—stopped me in my tracks. I had to leave immediately. The same reaction occurred the first time I saw a redheaded boy who could have been Ethan at four years old. Such encounters will always elicit emotions in me. - Unexpected Tears
Some tears are easily concealed behind sunglasses, while others flow freely. Triggers can be unpredictable and often arise suddenly. These moments of grief might make others uncomfortable, but they are entirely normal. We must allow ourselves to cry; it is a form of healing. We owe no one an apology for our ongoing sorrow. - Anxiety
Having dealt with anxiety before Ethan’s diagnosis made the aftermath even more challenging. In the weeks following his death, I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. Talk therapy and support from others who have experienced loss were essential for my healing. Even now, I find myself worrying excessively about my living children, often being overly protective. The fear of losing another child is one I cannot bear. - The “What Ifs”
“What if I hadn’t gotten sick during my pregnancy? What if I hadn’t traveled so much for work?” Bereaved mothers are adept at self-blame, compounding our already heavy grief. While I still struggle with these thoughts, I remind myself that I did nothing wrong. I would have done anything to save my child. - Acceptance of Imperfection
Though my children provide me with the love and joy I crave, there’s an undeniable void. I often describe it as a piece of my heart missing. This void will never fade. Summers would be brighter, vacations more enjoyable, and holidays more memorable if Ethan were here. Our family would feel whole, making this bittersweet reality even more poignant.
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In summary, the journey of a bereaved mother is filled with unique experiences that shape her life and perspective. The challenges of grief, the complexity of relationships, and the lingering feelings of loss create a narrative that remains a part of her identity. Each moment, whether joyful or sorrowful, contributes to her story.