Last summer, I proposed to my husband the disastrous idea of cramming our five kids into the car for a two-hour trek to the farthest tip of Cape Cod, only to turn around and make the return journey. What I had unknowingly signed up for was a four-hour road trip from hell. FOUR HOURS. In a confined space with the kids. Normally, even a half-hour drive can drive me to the brink of insanity. Here are just a few reasons why:
1. The Struggle to Get in the Car
Why is this so difficult? I’ve urged them all day to go outside and play, but now that we’re in a rush to leave, they’re suddenly frolicking in the yard like they’ve just uncovered a hidden treasure. What is this magical “outdoors” they’ve just discovered?
2. Seatbelt Confusion
To my surprise, some of them act as if seatbelts are a brand-new concept. I ask, “Is your seatbelt on?” and they look around in confusion. It’s not like I just installed these things last night! Come on, people! The seatbelt is the safety feature meant to protect you, especially when I’m turning around to scold you!
3. Radio Drama
Don’t even get me started on the radio wars. I’m happily singing along to a Taylor Swift song I love when suddenly the kids want to plan who sings which part. “Mom, turn down the radio!” they shout. By the time they sort it out, the song is over, and I can’t rewind it because we’re using a regular radio, not some fancy streaming service.
4. “Are We There Yet?”
I don’t even need to elaborate on this one; we haven’t even left our neighborhood, and already someone is asking if we’ve arrived. And it doesn’t stop there. The incessant questioning continues until I threaten them with “big trouble” if they utter another word. Of course, that just makes them giggle more.
5. Backseat Driving
My kids are young; they can’t even drive yet! Yet, one of them (who shall remain nameless) feels the need to guide me. “Mom, you’re going the wrong way.” “Why are you so slow?” “Are we on the highway?” The barrage of questions can be overwhelming, and I often find myself wondering if they know the destination better than I do!
6. Drive-Thru Chaos
Ordering at the drive-thru with kids is pure madness. As I’m about to place your Happy Meal order, the reminders about not wanting pickles come flooding in. It’s too late for me to fix it, and you might end up with extra pickles thanks to all your yelling. And let’s not even mention the time someone decided it would be funny to shout “Big Mac!” at the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru while I’m trying to order my coffee.
7. Exiting the Vehicle
You’d think getting out of the car would be simple. We finally arrive, and yet they sit there, cozy in their seats, despite having complained about being in the car for ages. You’d expect them to leap out as if the car were on fire, but no!
I can’t continue; the mess, the bickering, the inevitable “I think I’m going to be sick” moments, and the simultaneous bathroom emergencies are too much. Until there’s a minivan with a divider between the driver and the backseat, all family road trips are on hold.
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