During the early stages of my separation from my ex-partner, I found myself engaged in numerous text exchanges that often escalated into unnecessary conflicts. To avoid uncomfortable phone calls, I relied solely on texts for everything from visitation planning to gift exchanges during the holidays. It wasn’t the most elegant approach, and I own my part in that chaos.
Instead of erasing those messages, I’ve kept them as a cautionary reminder of how easily things can go south over text. More importantly, I’ve learned when to disengage entirely. As we co-parent our child, it has become essential to establish some ground rules for texting.
Pause Before Responding
In the past, I felt compelled to reply to every text from my ex, worrying that not responding would somehow count against me. Now, when I receive a message that annoys me or raises my blood pressure, I take a moment—sometimes several—to breathe and collect my thoughts.
Assess the Need for a Reply
Once I’ve calmed down, I evaluate whether the text is something that warrants a response. Often, the answer is a resounding no. Engaging further usually leads to more conflict than clarity.
Embrace the Power of Silence
As someone who communicates for a living, I’ve always believed in the impact of words. However, I’ve learned that allowing silence to linger can be more powerful than any response. Sometimes, it’s best to let the other person’s words sit without immediate reaction.
Set a Response Deadline
If a text genuinely requires a reply but I feel uncertain about how to respond, I give myself a timeline. Whether it’s 24 hours or until next week, allowing time to reflect helps me craft a thoughtful response rather than a knee-jerk reaction.
Utilize Email for Documentation
Emailing can serve as a more formal method of communication when necessary. It provides a clear record that is easier to track than texts. While no one enjoys drafting a holiday planning email, it’s often a more organized way to handle co-parenting logistics. If you’re dealing with abusive or threatening messages, it’s crucial to document them—take a screenshot and send it to yourself.
Remember, This Too Shall Pass
Nothing lasts forever, including many relationships and those heated texts. I forgive myself for the impulsive messages sent during emotionally charged moments. Likewise, I need to scroll past unsettling messages from my ex. Though it’s challenging, embracing new, positive messages from supportive friends can help fill the void.
Acknowledge Your Imperfections
Even in navigating ex-texting, I’m far from flawless. Beneath the joyful exchanges I now have with loved ones, remnants of difficult conversations with my ex linger. They serve as a reminder of how to avoid unhealthy communication patterns in the future.
If you find yourself facing threatening texts or fear for your safety, it’s vital to reach out for help immediately.
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Summary
In communicating with an ex via text, it’s essential to pause before responding, assess the need for a reply, embrace silence, and set deadlines for responses. Utilizing email for formal communications can help maintain clarity and organization. Remembering that nothing lasts forever—including heated exchanges—can aid in moving forward positively. Acknowledging imperfections in communication is crucial as well.