Are you a cop, married to one, or do your kids dream of donning the badge someday? Or maybe you’ve had your fair share of run-ins with the law over speeding tickets? Regardless of your relationship with law enforcement, these police jokes are bound to tickle your funny bone and get the whole family chuckling.
Cops handle serious matters daily, but they certainly have a knack for humor. Who knows—cracking the right joke might even help you dodge a ticket! So, if you’re on the hunt for some laughs, brace yourself for a collection that’s downright notorious. Just be careful; these jokes are a little too good!
- Last night, a perfect crime was committed. Someone broke into the police station and made off with all the toilets. The police say they don’t have anything to go on.
- What do you call a lady cop who plays the guitar? She-riff!
- Why did the police officer have such a bad odor? He was on duty!
- Officer: “Your eyes look bloodshot. Have you been drinking?” Driver: “I noticed your eyes are glazed over. Have you been munching on donuts?”
- Heard about the celery that got arrested? They charged it with stalking!
- Cop: “Do you know how fast you were driving?” Driver: “Isn’t that your job?”
- An officer encounters a man clearly under the influence. He says, “We need to conduct a drug test.” The man responds, “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”
- Cop: “I guessed you were going at least 55.” Driver: “You’re mistaken, officer. It’s just my hat that makes me look that old.”
- Officer: “What led you to park here?” Me: “The sign says, ‘Fine for parking.’
- What do you call it when a prisoner takes a selfie? A cellfie!
- Why was the cap arrested? It was covering for the marker!
- Officer: “Do you know why I stopped you?” Me: “Because you were lonely and wanted company?”
- What does a frog use to keep burglars away? A lily padlock!
- Judge: “I told you I never wanted to see you here again!” Criminal: “That’s what I said to the arresting officer, but he wouldn’t listen.”
- I asked a rookie what he’d do if he had to arrest his own mother. His answer? “I’d call for backup!”
- Why did the thief wear blue gloves? He didn’t want to be caught red-handed.
- Man: “Can I park here?” Cop: “No.” Man: “What about all these other cars?” Cop: “They didn’t ask!”
- An officer sees a woman standing in the street. “Are you OK?” he asks. She replies, “Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?” The officer says, “Just keep standing there.”
- Did you hear about the criminal who stole a lamp? He got a very light sentence.
- An airman tried to talk his way out of a speeding ticket by saying, “Would it help if I told you I’m in the Air Force?” The officer replied, “Yes, but only if you were flying a plane.”
- Why did the officer ticket the ghost? It didn’t have a haunting license!
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes the police! Open up!
- Why are cops so great at volleyball? They know how to serve and protect!
- What show do police officers watch to solve crimes committed by garden gnomes? Lawn & Order.
- Why did the NYPD show up at the Mets game? They heard someone was stealing bases!
- Cop: “Where do you think you’re headed?” Driver: “Donut shop, officer.” Cop: “At 80 mph?” Driver: “I wanted to make sure I beat you there, so there’d still be donuts left!”
- One fire truck and 20 cops show up to a call. What happened? Dunkin’ Donuts burnt down!
- Why did the cat get a ticket? It littered!
- What are the four food groups for cops? Jelly, powdered, glazed, and chocolate frosted!
- An officer pulls over a man for speeding and notices he’s not wearing his glasses. Officer: “I have to ticket you for that.” Driver: “But I have contacts!” Officer: “I don’t care who you know; you’re still getting a ticket.”
- Why did the coffee call 911? Because it was mugged!
- Why couldn’t the police inform the family of the murdered baker? He was a John Dough.
- A police officer stopped me and said, “Papers.” I replied, “Scissors! I win!” and drove off. Now he’s been following me for 45 minutes.
- Did you hear they arrested the Energizer bunny? He was charged with battery!
- An officer sees a guy leaving a bar and gets pulled over after some erratic driving. “Where are you going?” the officer asks. “To a lecture on alcohol abuse, smoking, and staying out late.” The officer questions, “Who gives that kind of lecture at this hour?” The man replies, “My wife.”
- A cop gives a woman a speeding ticket. She asks, “Why didn’t you give me a warning first?” The officer says, “Ma’am, there are signs all along the highway that say, ‘Speed Limit 65.’
- What happens when a police officer goes to bed? He becomes an undercover cop!
- Officer: “Do you know how fast you were going?” Driver: “Sorry, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.” Officer: “There isn’t any traffic; this highway is completely empty.” Driver: “That’s what I’m telling you—I’m far behind!”
- Why is a traffic cop the strongest person in the world? Because he can stop a 10-ton truck with just his hand!
- Did you hear about the two peanuts who walked through a rough neighborhood? One was assaulted!
- What do you call a clairvoyant who escaped from prison? A medium at large!
- Why did the sheriff lock up her boyfriend? He stole her heart!
- I got stopped by a police officer last night. He said, “I’m following you to the nearest police station.” I asked, “Why?” He said, “I forgot the way!” — Timmy Rogers.
- Officer: “How high are you?” Driver: “No, officer, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?’”
- Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play!
- Tourist: “Are you a policeman?” Officer: “No, I’m an undercover detective.” Tourist: “Then why are you in uniform?” Officer: “Today’s my day off.”
- Police are often shocked I have a record, but I love their greatest hits!
- A cop arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas!
- There’s a thief in town who’s stealing police car wheels. The police are working tirelessly to catch him!
- What are riot police in Germany called? Sour kraut control!
- A woman was speeding and got pulled over by a female officer. The officer asked for her driver’s license. As she rummaged through her purse, she got more agitated. “What does it look like?” she asked. The officer replied, “It’s square and has your picture on it.” Finally, she found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the officer. “Here!” The officer looked at it and said, “I didn’t realize you were a cop. You can go!”
- A cop caught a graffiti artist spraying a police station in bold font. Before cuffing him, the officer remarked, “Now that is bold!”
- The police say I assaulted a guy with sandpaper. I just roughed him up a bit!
- A week after my wife disappeared, the police said to expect the worst. So, I returned to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.
- The police caught someone erasing people’s criminal records. They said he was a real pro for a first offender.
- Who’s the most famous lawn detective? Sherlock Gnomes!
- Cop to suspect: “Did you kill this man?” Suspect: “No, he died of natural causes.” Cop: “He was shot!” Suspect: “Right, but a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is nature. So, he died of natural causes. Sheesh, thought you were the cop here.”
- Cop to suspect: “Where do you live?” Suspect: “With my parents.” Cop: “Where do your parents live?” Suspect: “With me.” Cop: “Where do you all live?” Suspect: “Together.” Cop: “Where’s your house?” Suspect: “Next to my neighbor’s.” Cop: “Where’s your neighbor’s house?” Suspect: “If I tell you, would you believe me?” Cop: “Tell me.” Suspect: “Next to my house.”
- I received a call from the police station asking for an interview. Funny, I don’t remember applying for a job there!
- Who works alongside the grammar police? The corrections officers!
- When your friend wants to hear a cool police joke, what do you say? “Freeze!”
- What’s a police officer’s favorite type of tag? Freeze tag!
- How do cops greet people? “Policed to meet you!”
- A state trooper stopped a farmer on a rural road. “Sir, do you realize your brother fell out of the car several miles back?” The farmer replied, “Thank God! I thought I was going deaf!”
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In summary, police humor is a fantastic way to lighten the mood and share some laughs with friends and family. Whether you’re a law enforcement officer or just someone who’s ever been pulled over, these puns and jokes are bound to bring a smile to your face!