When my eldest child was just 18 months, he suddenly turned his nose up at all the meals I prepared. He would fuss incessantly at the table, gesturing towards the pantry where we stored crackers and bread, while completely refusing fruits and vegetables. His diet consisted solely of meat, cheese, and bread. It felt as if I was feeding a little warrior—he only needed a flagon of ale to complete the picture. In my desperation, I resorted to sneaking vegetables into scrambled eggs and smoothies, and I would chase him around with spoonfuls of peas. Every dinner felt like a rodeo with a calf that would stubbornly shake its head as I missed yet again.
I vented to a friend whose daughter was 6 years old about our struggles, and she shared a similar tale. “Last night, Claire insisted on noodles for dinner, so I made them, and she didn’t even touch them! Then she asked for edamame, so I prepared that, and still nothing. Finally, she requested a bagel, which I made, but she ignored that too,” she lamented. I could see the next decade stretching out like a daunting road ahead. Three meals prepared for little appreciation? Even my own tactics of persuasion felt futile. I was already weary of dinner—the constant negotiations with my then-2-year-old just to get him to eat a few bites in exchange for dessert. The idea of dealing with a picky 6-year-old or a teenager was overwhelming.
Then I discovered Ellyn Satter’s influential book, Child of Mine: Feeding with Care and Good Sense, published in 2000. This book changed everything for me. Satter, a registered dietitian and family therapist, advocates for a “division of responsibility” when it comes to meals: parents determine when, what, and where to eat, while the child chooses whether and how much to consume. There’s always something on the table that kids will eat, like rice or bread, which allows for new foods to be introduced alongside familiar favorites. There’s no pressure for children to “just taste” a new dish or meet a specific bite count. Dessert is completely separate from their meal consumption. Satter emphasizes the importance of family dinners, where kids see their parents enjoying a variety of foods.
This approach worked wonders—dinnertime became a lot less dramatic. I serve meals directly from the cooking pan onto his plate, and he can choose what to eat without any commentary from me. He gets seconds if he wants, and there are no alternative dinner options. After two years of this strategy, he knows better than to ask for something else.
Now that my son is nearly 5, he still favors meat and bread over fruits and veggies, but since I’ve stopped pressuring him, he’s started trying greener foods on his own. I’ve also made it a point to prepare vegetables in a way that’s appealing, which has helped boost my own veggie intake. Surprisingly, he enjoys dishes like lentil stew, brown rice, zucchini soup, and roasted broccoli. Yet, there are still things he dislikes that I thought he’d love, such as lasagna (I mean, who doesn’t enjoy lasagna?). Some dinners are “kid food,” like chicken nuggets or pizza—his favorites—and sometimes I indulge in my own favorite, like Pad Thai, as Satter suggests it’s important for kids to see everyone enjoying their preferred meals occasionally.
Dessert is not tied to his meal consumption, and we typically enjoy treats in the afternoon. When we do have dessert during dinner, following Satter’s advice, he usually has his dessert first, then eats a bit of his meal.
So, what are the six magic words that changed the game? “You don’t have to eat it.” This phrase doesn’t mean he never expresses dislike or complains about his meal. Just the other day, he looked at his plate and grumbled, “I wanted a good dinner,” which made me want to dramatically clear the table, but I reminded myself to stay calm. Each time he says “yuck” or refuses something, I simply respond, “You don’t have to eat it,” while I enjoy my own meal.
The biggest realization was that I no longer needed to nag him to eat or even monitor his food intake. Since my meals are generally healthy and varied, I can savor my food while allowing him to eat or skip it without any stress. I no longer keep a mental list of what he will eat.
This approach has also halted the short-order cook mentality. I prepare whatever I want, and if he chooses not to try a dish like squash and sausage casserole, that’s fine—there’s garlic bread and a side salad available. He might take a bite after a few servings, but in the meantime, I’m enjoying my meal, and my younger son is happily picking out sausage and enjoying the squash. This method eliminates the power struggle that often accompanies feeding children. It has also helped him tune in to his body’s hunger signals; he typically doesn’t eat much at dinner. Thus, I focus on making earlier meals nutritious and stop worrying about dinner.
Of course, it’s not flawless. Many of my meals could use a bit more excitement, and we don’t always have family dinner together, as sometimes one parent is absent or I’m just not hungry at that hour. Nevertheless, this system has worked well overall. It prevents us from using food as a reward or punishment, which I believe fosters healthier attitudes toward eating in the long run. He doesn’t have to eat a portion of bok choy to earn dessert, and we’re not forcing him to ignore his natural cues just to consume something he dislikes.
“You don’t have to eat it,” spoken gently, has transformed our mealtime experience. I’ve applied it to my younger son, who is now a toddler, with great success. He too sometimes skips dinner, and although I’m tempted to sneak in bites while he watches a show, I remind myself that he doesn’t have to eat it. Those six words truly can end picky eating.
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Summary:
This article discusses effective strategies to combat picky eating in children, emphasizing a “division of responsibility” approach to meals. By allowing children to choose whether and how much to eat, parents can foster a healthier relationship with food. The key phrase “You don’t have to eat it” empowers children to explore their preferences without pressure, leading to more relaxed mealtimes and healthier eating habits.