I tied the knot with my first husband in my early twenties, blissfully unaware of the complexities that relationships entail. I didn’t realize just how challenging I could be—both to myself and to others. We all carry emotional baggage from our childhoods and past experiences, and while some of us recognize it, I certainly did not.
I had many aspirations for our relationship and expectations for him. We both made our share of mistakes, as is common in marriage. However, instead of growing together and embracing our flaws, we often took each other for granted, leading to hurtful exchanges that left deep emotional scars.
After my divorce, I dated several men, but as soon as the excitement faded or they began to seek more from me—things I had overlooked initially—I would flee. Initially, I convinced myself that I wasn’t ready for a serious commitment, which was partially true. The real issue, however, was that I had unresolved issues to address. Now, I recognize that.
Statistics show that a staggering 67% of second marriages end in divorce. While I don’t necessarily feel the need for rings or vows to validate a meaningful connection, I genuinely desire to find lasting love—who wouldn’t? After hearing a woman share her story about how she and her second husband got it right, I realized I wanted that kind of relationship. I refuse to accept the statistic that suggests my future must follow the same path as my past.
To steer clear of repeating my past mistakes, I made a list of behaviors that negatively impacted my first marriage. I was determined to avoid these pitfalls when I fell in love again. Just a week after creating my list, I met someone special, and I’ve since had to apply these lessons repeatedly:
1. I will not expect mind-reading.
I used to think my partner should just know what I was feeling and thinking. I expected him to understand my moods without me saying a word, which set him up for failure. Now, I’ll communicate my needs clearly instead of leaving them to guess.
2. I will not rely on someone else for my happiness.
Putting that pressure on another person is unfair. I realized that I’m the one responsible for my own joy. No longer will I hand over the key to my happiness to someone else; instead, I’ll focus on nurturing my own happiness and bringing that energy into a relationship.
3. I will maintain financial independence.
I’m committed to earning my own income and being self-sufficient. I won’t seek permission for purchases; instead, we will discuss finances as a team. I refuse to let a breakup jeopardize my financial stability again.
4. I will not withhold affection.
In my previous marriage, I often pushed my partner away during conflicts, even when I craved closeness. This behavior only caused harm. I will not use affection as a bargaining chip or punishment in the future.
5. I will avoid assuming the worst.
I often misinterpreted my ex-husband’s actions, believing they were directed at me rather than being a reflection of him. Instead of jumping to conclusions, I will strive to communicate openly and ask questions rather than react defensively.
6. I will be mindful of my words.
It wasn’t until after my divorce that I understood how my careless phrases affected my ex. I often made hyperbolic statements during arguments that caused him unnecessary stress. I realize now the importance of choosing my words carefully to avoid misunderstandings.
While I know I won’t be perfect, I’m determined to break these harmful patterns that have followed me since my teenage years. I’m finally ready to change my approach and cultivate the healthy relationship I deserve.
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In summary, my first marriage taught me crucial lessons that I’m committed to applying in my future relationships. By being more communicative, emotionally self-sufficient, and mindful of my behaviors, I’m paving the way for a healthier partnership.