Since my divorce five years ago, I’ve received countless messages from friends, colleagues, and even acquaintances, often masked under vague subject lines like “Coffee?” or “Quick chat?” I both dread and welcome these conversations. While I would never wish the pain of divorce on anyone, I appreciate the opportunity to support others during such a challenging moment in their lives.
Through these discussions, I’ve developed a set of principles that I share with those considering divorce:
1. Pause and Reflect
Many are taken aback when I advise against divorce. Even though it was the right choice for me, I don’t believe it’s the solution for every troubled marriage. Unless there’s abuse or addiction involved, I urge them to reconsider, particularly if children are in the picture. If there’s any possibility of salvaging the marriage, it’s worth exploring. I’m not a marriage counselor, but I often suggest questions like: Do you still have love for your spouse? What changes could rekindle that feeling? Is your partner willing to work on the relationship? Would you want your child to experience a similar relationship in the future? Sometimes, the best decision might be to end the marriage, but many struggling couples can find a path to reconciliation. In fact, of the friends I’ve spoken to, three have successfully reunited with their spouses.
2. Prioritize Sleep
A troubled marriage often leads to sleepless nights filled with worry and late-night arguments. Personally, I suffered from severe insomnia during the years leading up to my divorce. No amount of sleep aids seemed to help, and I struggled for years without a proper night’s rest. It’s crucial to recognize that making sound decisions is nearly impossible without adequate sleep. Whether it’s booking a hotel for a brief getaway or asking family to watch the kids, prioritize rest. You can always address other issues later.
3. Understand the Reality
Many of my married friends express jealousy over my child-free nights, and while they are right that I have more personal time now, life post-divorce isn’t necessarily easier. I singlehandedly manage the emotional and financial responsibilities of my kids, cook all the meals, and juggle their activities. It’s a lot to handle alone, and while some aspects improve, others can become more challenging. Plus, dating may not be as exhilarating as anticipated.
4. Consult a Lawyer
If someone is seriously contemplating divorce, I recommend they consult a lawyer. While it may feel daunting, understanding the legal landscape and potential custody and financial implications is vital. This doesn’t mean you’re committed to a divorce; it’s simply gathering necessary information, especially for those anticipating conflict.
5. Seek Support
Going through this alone is not advisable. I was fortunate to have family support but initially kept my struggles hidden from friends and colleagues. Once I opened up, I wished I had sought help sooner. Friends and family genuinely want to support you, whether by watching your kids or helping you during this transition. Accept their kindness.
6. Hope for Better Days
I keep a letterpress print in my kitchen that reads: “Everything is going to be all right. Maybe not today, but eventually.” It serves as a reminder during tough times. I’ve heard stories of friends who faced infidelity or financial betrayal, yet many have found happiness post-divorce. It may seem impossible at first, but in time, things will improve. Remember to take care of yourself during this process.
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In summary, contemplating divorce is complex and deeply personal. It can be helpful to pause, reflect, seek legal advice, and lean on your support system. Despite the challenges, it’s important to remember that brighter days lie ahead.