As we prepare to wave goodbye to 2024, it’s clear we need a fresh approach to our resolutions—one that’s filled with humor and a bit of sarcasm. Let’s face it, the previous year was a whirlwind, and we have no intention of entering 2025 with unrealistic expectations. Instead of the age-old “new year, new me,” let’s embrace a more skeptical outlook: “You’ve got to earn my trust, 2025!”
To lighten the mood and inspire you, we’ve compiled a list of amusing New Year’s resolutions that perfectly capture the spirit of the times. These are resolutions you can enjoy and probably won’t feel bad about dropping after New Year’s Eve.
Funny New Year’s Resolutions for 2025
- Stop doom scrolling on social media.
- Live my best life by only buying pants without buttons or zippers.
- Commit to a vegan diet for six months—then promptly give up.
- Buy fresh produce and ensure it doesn’t become a science experiment in the fridge.
- Sign up for a marathon that I definitely won’t run.
- Unfollow all reality stars yet still keep up with their shenanigans.
- Remember to prepare overnight oats the night before, knowing I’ll likely skip them in the morning.
- Go on a vitamin spree and actually finish at least one bottle before losing interest.
- Buy leftover 2024 calendars and ceremoniously burn them.
- Step outside for some gasp fresh air.
- Make quick decisions on Netflix movies so I can hit play before dozing off.
- Transform all my high heels into flats.
- Ignore the entire year of 2024 during any social gathering.
- Manage to avoid expressing “Love you” to random callers—though my dentist seemed to like it.
- Cherish every HomeGoods trip like it’s my last.
- Remove from my life anyone who shares unsolicited diet tips.
- Take more days off and banish Slack from my phone during those breaks.
- Become a master of sarcasm.
- Turn my tweets into a book, inspired by my favorite comedy icons.
- Stop hoarding all the butternut squash gnocchi; leave some for others!
- Share my New Year’s Eve champagne with friends.
- Aim for eyebrows as perfectly symmetrical as a Wes Anderson film.
- Keep track of my accomplishments—because details matter.
- Do enough yoga to justify wearing yoga pants around the clock.
- Bake so much for my friends that they start calling me Martha Stewart.
- Read more or, at the very least, use subtitles while binge-watching.
- Carefully read food box directions before throwing them away—no more garbage diving!
- Come to terms with John Mayer approaching 50.
- Resist texting that one toxic person back—yes, we all have one.
- Embrace my bodily functions in front of friends without embarrassment.
- Stop making endless lists about making more lists.
- Eat more tacos—always a solid choice.
- Wield every wrapping paper roll as a makeshift lightsaber.
- Stay in the bathroom while brushing my teeth, for extra focus.
- Avoid drinking orange juice immediately after brushing.
- Stop daring friends to lick frozen poles—there’s a reason we have boundaries.
- Accept that multiple trips from the car to bring in groceries is just part of life.
- Floss daily—not just the week before my dentist visit.
- Find creative ways to use the word “verisimilitude” in conversation.
- Book that fancy vacation—why not treat myself?
- Actually dress appropriately for Zoom calls (but let’s be real, who’s judging business on top, pajamas below?).
- Get a wax without feeling the need for small talk.
- Quit pressuring my family to make resolutions—kids really don’t care.
- Stop repeating the same jokes when meeting friends—or else, make new ones.
- Avoid saying “Mmmm, how nice” at airport inspections; it’s not helping.
- Drink more—after all, Benjamin Franklin said beer is proof of God’s love.
- Tell more people to f*ck off when necessary.
- Be a more adaptable friend—I’m available for brunch, lunch, beach days… anything ending in -ch!
- Stop blaming the dog for all odd smells in the house—especially when I know it’s me.
- No more lurking awkwardly in front of grocery aisles—just grab what I need and move on.
- Actually read the beach books I bring—this time for real.
- Control the urge to hit the elevator button repeatedly—it won’t make it go faster.
- Be honest with my doctor about my drinking habits.
- Sing along to every Taylor Swift song I hear—no shame!
- Give my dogs more motivational pep talks.
- Stop procrastinating… but only after next week!
- Quit Googling every little symptom I experience.
As we dive into 2025, let these light-hearted resolutions guide us through the year ahead. For more inspiration on home insemination and related topics, check out this other blog post. And don’t forget to visit Intracervical Insemination for expert insights, or this excellent resource on IVF.
Summary
This list embraces humor and sarcasm for New Year’s resolutions that are realistic and fun. From avoiding social media doom scrolling to embracing more tacos, these resolutions are meant to lighten the spirit as we welcome 2025.